


For the new lovers found in false paradise

by spctrcs



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Biotics (Mass Effect), Blood and Injury, Dreams and Nightmares, Eventual Kaidan Alenko/Shepard, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, John likes to make bad jokes, M/M, Mass Effect 1, Misuse of Biotics, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Some Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23451754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spctrcs/pseuds/spctrcs
Summary: Shepard stared at him a little longer, Kaidan stared back.Something rippled between them, perhaps an understanding or maybe it was just biotic waves that were being reflected back and forth. But they both felt it, that ripple. It hit once, twice, three times, and suddenly the ripple ended and the stillness was back.Shepard's eyes brightened, his face seemed smooth all of a sudden. Stuble differences that were gone in an instant, and Kaidan was wondering if he had been imagining it or not."Carry on." Shepard said, and it felt like the coldness was gone.CHAPTER 9 IS OUT LADS!
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "I can just hear them now  
> "How could you let us down?"  
> But they don't know what I found  
> Or see it from this way 'round  
> Feeling it overtake  
> All that I used to hate  
> One by one every trait  
> I tried but it's way too late  
> All the signs I don't read  
> Two sides of me can't agree  
> Will I be in too deep?  
> Going with what I always longed for"
> 
> -New Person, Same Old Mistakes by Tame Impala

When Kaidan first sees the Normandy the first thought that comes to his mind is nothing but a gentle _wow_. It isn't because it's a very special assignment, nor is it just because he has the amusement level of a small child (which sometimes he does, if he's being totally honest) it's merely just because the ship has a unique rarified beauty about it.

  
She has sleek curves, a satisfying shape, and just looking at it makes his arm hairs stand up a little. He isn't a tech buff but looking at ships- especially prototypes and marvel's of engineering- always fill him with a bloom of awe and wonder.

He boards onto the vessel, blinking at the familiar hiss of the decontamination process, before stepping into the CIC. Kaidan's eyes adjust to the darker lighting, and he takes a moment to scan over the room, noting the differences of turian design melded with the Alliance's. The Normandy's a special ship all right, and he has a feeling he's extremely lucky to serve on her.

A crewmember approaches him, a welcoming half smile on his face, "Lieutenant Alenko, I presume. I'm Mess Sergeant Cormac."

Kaidan holds out his hand and the Mess Sergeant takes it, "Pleased to meet you, Sir," he greets politely.

"If you don't mind, Lt. Alenko, I'll be showing you where to put your stuff. After that I'll give you a tour of the Normandy."

Kaidan follows him down to the crew deck, ignoring the awkward silence of the elevator as they descend. The mess hall isn't busy but it is being used, troops grabbing snacks or eating their meals for the day.

Most are out at their stations despite being docked, and others are asleep in their bunks, catching a couple of winks before it's their turn for rotation.

Cormac leads him to a bunk in the far corner of the room, something Kaidan is grateful for. He liked corners. They were out of the way, hidden almost.

Kaidan drops his stuff on the bottom bunk, and nearly jolts of his skin as the Mess Sergeant yells, "Jenkins!"

A young man comes into the room, certainly a little boyish for a Marine, Kaidan thinks, but there's a certain energy about him that seems to bring radiance to the ship.

"Lieutenant Alenko, this is Corporal Jenkins, he'll be your bunk mate."

"Hope you don't snore," Jenkins says lightheartedly.

Kaidan hums, "Hope you don't either, I got enough headaches as is."

The Mess Sergeant clears his throat, "Now, Lieutenant, if you'll jus-" the bright flash of an omnitool notifications pops up on Cormac's wrist, and he reads the message quickly.

"I apologize, seems like our CO needs me for something. Jenkins, show the lieutenant around, would you?"

Jenkins turns towards him as the sergeant walks away, "So, where to?"

* * *

As it turns out, Jenkins isn't really the most respectful marine. At least not when it comes to rank or status. He moves around like a carefree idiot- well maybe idiot is a little too harsh.

"This here is the cargo-hold, home to this bad baby right here," Jenkins says proudly, slapping the tire of the Mako with slight vigor.

"What else goes on here besides Mako maintenance and squad deployment?" Kaidan asks, glancing around at the several stations aboard.

"Well the Engineering room is back there, we'll get a requisitions officer soon, weekly physical checkups" Jenkins says, scratching the back of his head.

"I thought the medbay doctor would be doing that?" Kaidan asks, fixing the Corporal a side eye.

"Oh uh, not what I meant. I mean as in training exercises, y'know, things to keep us in shape."

"Because, we are serving under Capitan Anderson-" Jenkins continues, his tone holding a vague hint of excitement, "I would assume he drives his men hard."

Kaidan remains silent, looking around the hold and feeling an odd connection with it. This is where they will ultimately go to be dropped off on their first mission. It'll be momentous, hopefully. He catches his focus wandering, and pulls it back to the conversation.

"Well Anderson's XO will be taking care of that. Have an idea of who we're picking up?" Kaidan questions out of curiousity. The crew is fairly large, but so far standing it seems like he and Jenkins are the only true battle ready marines on-board, they're surely going go have to balance it out.

"Yeah," Jenkins says, heading for the elevator and punching in the level for the crew deck, "This upcoming week we're heading out to the Arcturus station to pick up Commander Shepard."

Kaidan blinks, "Commander John Shepard?"

"Yeah!" Jenkins pipes, "In all honesty I'm kind of excited. Guys a legend, if he's joining us that means we're gonna see some real action soon!"

_Great, Kaidan thinks, I'm bunk-mates with a trigger happy fanboy._

"Just don't ask for an autograph when I'm around, okay?"

Jenkins laughs.

* * *

Kaidan and Joker don't get along, at first.

Merely it's because Kaidan was assigned to assist him as a co-pilot when needed, and Joker had passionately declared that he didn't need some tough jar-headed biotic boy to tell _him_ how to fly.

They got it settled over the next few days, Joker telling him about his disease, and Kaidan returning the exchange by describing his life as an L2.

They both shared similarities about their record- they worked hard to get where they are, past the challenges, the medical professionals, and the drill instructors.

Kaidan and Joker weren't best of friends. But they had a mutual understanding and respect.

The day they leave Earth's atmosphere and head for Arcturus is the day Kaidan decides to have the worst headache possible.

He's sitting in the co-pilot seat, breathing heavily through his nose and keeping his eyes lidded to prevent the florescent lights from killing his brain.

Joker glances at him, "Jesus, you look like crap."

"Thanks for noticing." Kaidan mutters, pressing a hand to his throbbing head.

"You wanna lie down or something? I'm sure Chakwas can give you something to knock you out."

Kaidan shakes his head, "I'm just gonna ask her for some meds is all. Don't pull anything stupid while I'm gone."

"Sure, Mom." Joker teases, but doesn't turn to watch him leave.

  
When Kaidan gets down to the Med Bay everyone seems to be in the mess hall, cleaning the crew quarters, basically scrubbing the entire deck.

The voices crowd him a little too much, and Kaidan pushes through into the lab, feeling relieved as the noise is dampened.

"Headache, Lieutenant?"

Dr. Chakwas is in her chair, staring at him with a slight amusement. She knows she's right.

"Uhm, yes ma'am." Kaidan says.   
_Always be nice to doctors, Alenko._

"Please, Doctor is just fine." She corrects, before getting up from her seat to procure a bottle of pills.

Kaidan isn't the biggest fan of doctors. They either don't get to the point or they prod too much. Chakwas is different, blunt- but in a good way.

"It can't be easy being an L2. I must say I'm thoroughly impressed with how much you can handle. You've got quite the service record, Lieutenant, but that doesn't mean you're off Scot-free on monthly checkups." She reminds him.

"Of course, Doctor."

"And always drop by when your migraines get above a tolerable pain."

Kaidan nods, and is surprised that she isn't pressuring him like his other field medics. They sit for a little while Chakwas files a quick medical report.

In the silence Kaidan gestures outside, "What's going on out there, spring cleaning?"

She chuckles, "We're thirty minutes out from the Arcturus station. I suppose they want the place to look nice for the Commander."

"He's really something, huh?"

Kaidan only knew as much as anyone else when it came to Commander Shepard. He was a hell of a good soldier with a very impressive service record, top of his class during the N7 Program, and the sole survivor of Akuze.

He was no way in hell gonna touch the articles or the vids on him, figuring it'd be bad to form an expectation. For all they knew the guy could've been a total ass.

"They say he's one of the best examples of humanity." Dr. Chakwas replies, handing him the pill bottle.

Kaidan shrugs, "Guess we'll have to see. Take two?"

The doctor shakes her head, "Just one."

"Thanks, Doc."

"Come back tomorrow for your physical, Lieutenant." She says, and turns back to her monitor.

Kaidan gets up to the bridge just as Joker declares they're five minutes away from docking. The pill kicks in quickly, and soon the pounding in his head is reduced to a barely noticeable throb.

Joker is humming a tune under his breath, and Kaidan busies himself by glancing over the data on his monitor. Everything seems normal for the Normandy, but sometimes her numbers spike higher than what he's used to.

_...that much for output? Are we sure that's- No no. Advanced warship, it's gonna be different._

He's startled by thudding Alliance boots, "How's it looking up here, Joker?" Captain Anderson isn't a very imposing man. However his reputation is, and Kaidan gets to his feet and salutes him.

"At ease Lieutenant, you know me."

"Sorry, Sir. Old habits."

Anderson only hums, and ventures next to Joker's side, watching as they pull up towards the Arcturus station.

"Home sweet home," Joker says casually, tapping away at the flight controls, and they drift smoothly into the docking bay.

Anderson turns to him, "Tell the crew to get to their stations, Lieutenant."

Kaidan salutes again before walking away, "Aye aye, sir."

_Alright. Time to meet the XO._

He descends down the crew deck, and claps his hands to get everyone's attention.

  
While Anderson wasn't imposing- Shepard however, was.

He stood about six feet and two inches tall, towering over most marines and crew members, and had more bulk than the Captain.

The polished N7 Armor wasn't exactly helping, and the pair of eyes he had were so blue they seemed to be made of stardust. 

What was even worse was that Kaidan couldn't read him. As a human biotic you had to be good at doing that. But Shepard's face was completely unreadable, and even his eyes didn't betray how he felt. He spoke like a normal officer, his voice rather flat and almost monotone.

The only time he had seen emotion from him had been the flicker of recognition that crossed his face when he saw Captain Anderson.

It had been... well, weird, at first.

Kaidan has had weird officers before, blunt officers, and others that were complete and total douchebags. But Shepard...

"And you are?"

Kaidan could feel his soul leave his body.  
_Oh, Fuuuck._

Shepard was staring right at him, blue eyes piercing into his being. 

He saluted, "Staff-Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, sir!"

Shepard stared at him, that same suffocating indifference.  
Then, "Lieutenant, I think you might want to check that salute."

Shame rippled through Kaidan's body like radiation waves. Of course he would be the one to use the wrong fucking arm.

But he was a marine, a human biotic. He was an L2 and a survivor of BAat. He didn't back down.

Kaidan corrected his salute immediately, "Sorry... Sir."

That came out a little more sassy then he intended.

Shepard stared at him a little longer, Kaidan stared back.

Something rippled between them, perhaps an understanding or maybe it was just biotic waves that were being reflected back and forth. But they both felt it, that ripple. It hit once, twice, three times, and suddenly the ripple ended and the stillness was back.

Shepard's eyes brightened, his face seemed smooth all of a sudden. Stuble differences that were gone in an instant, and Kaidan was wondering if he had been imagining it or not.

"Carry on." Shepard said, and it felt like the coldness was gone.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They sit in silence, Kaidan staring deeply into the depths of his coffee, all while Shepard taps away on a data pad.
> 
> Without looking up, Shepard asks him, "Any reason why you're not sleeping?"
> 
> Kaidan bristles in surprise at that, and he tightens the grip on his coffee mug.
> 
> "Just thinking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wish we just got a little bit more of Jenkins, just a smidge.
> 
> But I suppose we'll just label him as "babey bastard man" for now

After Shepard boarded the Normandy things got a little different. While not drastic, it was clear to Kaidan that things _had_ changed. There was always a certain time that the Commander did something, whether it be surveying the CIC or just getting to know the crew through minimal conversation. It stuck with him.

While it's not bad, Kaidan just finds himself a lot more distracted by it than he means to be. Thoughts about the Commander start to swirl around him the whole time he's awake, and even more so when he's _trying_ to go to sleep. The whole thing Shepard does sort of rubs him the wrong way, like the Commander is out of place somehow, and it's pissing Kaidan off so much because he doesn't know what it is.

Jenkins' tossing and turning doesn't necessarily help with that either, and long into the night rotation Kaidan just hears him shuffling quietly, and eventually the noise gets to him and he feels irritated.

_To hell with it._

Kaidan slides out of his bunk and quietly slips his way out of the quarters, wincing at the too-loud hiss of the door opening in front of him.

The mess is empty at this time of hour, quiet and lonesome, perfect for Kaidan to start packing away all the thoughts in his head.

He brews a small cup of coffee, black and bitter, and sips it gingerly at the mess table, brow furrowed, pondering.

"Shouldn't you be in bed, Lieutenant?"

Commander Shepard is a few feet away from him, across the other side of the table. His face doesn't show anything, and neither does the tone of his voice.

"No, Sir. Should you?" It's out of his mouth before he can stop himself, and he curls his toes in his boots to mimic a wince.

Shepard hums, and Kaidan takes that for a laugh, "Touché."

They sit in silence, Kaidan staring deeply into the depths of his coffee, all while Shepard taps away on a data pad.

Without looking up, Shepard asks him, "Any reason why you're not sleeping?"

Kaidan bristles in surprise at that, and he tightens the grip on his coffee mug.

"Just thinking. About a lot. Jenkins is also a pretty loud sleeper," he replies, bringing the mug up to his mouth to take a drink.

Shepard looks to him, his eyes even more blue than a biotic field, and the barest hints of a smile cross his face, "You'd think he'd be sleeping like a corpse considering the amount of energy he exudes each day."

Kaidan chuckles at that one, surprised by the Commander's sudden demeanor, and pleased that they're talking without the cloud of unease of their fellow subordinates, "Yeah- Yeah, that's fair."

Shepard's face drops, and the awkward suffocation is back. Kaidan tries to quell the disappointment in his chest.

They sit together in a stifling silence. Kaidan finishes drinking his coffee, already able to feel his metabolism burning through the caffeine. Shepard looks like he hasn't even moved to breathe.

Kaidan clears his throat.

"I should... get back to bed, Commander."

Shepard only nods, "...Goodnight, Lieutenant."

Kaidan smiles slightly, before creeping back to his bunk.

* * *

"C'mon, Alenko! Did they seriously let you into the Alliance with that form?"

Kaidan grits his teeth, and he glares at the Commander from across the room.

_Asshole._

Jenkins takes the opportunity to throw a right hook, and Kaidan steps back to avoid it. The idiot is grinning from ear to ear, "Aw, LT, sad you can't get a hit in?"

Dr. Chakwas is surveying the training, just in case if someone does get a little scraped up.

Kaidan rolls his eyes, and makes an uppercut for Jenkins' jaw, the Corporal just dodges his strike easily.

"Alenko!"

Kaidan bit the inside of his cheek, and he was sure a vein was popping out of his forehead. _What now?_

"Use those arms of yours to your advantage!" Shepard offered, before turning his back to watch someone else.

Kaidan took a step back, and feigned a left hook and ended up striking Jenkins in the gut with his right.

The Corporal let out a soft _'oof',_ "Hey, no fair, Commander!"

Kaidan smirked, maybe the Commander wasn't such an ass after all.

After the tip Kaidan felt more confident, he went on the offensive more, he was starting to enjoy himself. Kaidan winded up and threw a hard punch, putting some power behind it. Jenkins stepped out of the way quickly, and landed a blow to his ribs. A thin blue wafted over his form just naturally, and Kaidan banished it away quickly before the Commander caught wind.

Jenkins however put down his fists and his eyes glowed, "Woah! Lieutenant, can you-"

Kaidan shook his head, "Don't even think about it-"

They argued back and forth for a bit until Shepard stepped in, his neutral face morphing into something out of mild curiosity.

"What's this about?"

Jenkins just smiles, "I was just curious about Lieutenant Alenko's biotic prowess is all! I was just asking if he could demonstrate."

_Oh, Jenkins you smartass._

But Shepard actually seems mildly intrigued, "What would the Lieutenant demonstrate on?"

Jenkins perks up, "Me, Sir."

Commander Shepard turns to him, "Can you do it?"

"Sir?"

"Can you do it?"

Kaidan is shocked. If he's not careful enough he can shatter the majority of Jenkins' bones, if he's too cushiony then he won't be able to lift Jenkins up at all. Kaidan looks to his Commander, and even though he hardly knows Shepard, he does know when he's being tested.

"Yes, Sir."

Shepard crosses his arms and nods, the other crewmembers are crowding around to see, "Alright Alenko, I trust you."

_I trust you._

Kaidan swallows, and he turns to Jenkins, "Just, try and relax."

Jenkins nods vigorously, waiting. Kaidan warms up his biotics, the gentle blue field around him curling steadily. There's a gentle tingling in his amp, spreading across his body.

Biotics are often lead to be misunderstood by most humans. They assume it's like steroid, strong at first but dwindling over time, wearing down like a pair of boots.

Kaidan curls his fingers, focusing on Jenkins and watching as the blue field curls around him.

Biotics get better with more use and age. A loop of using the power that feeds it. He thinks about this as he lifts his arm, the energy pooling at his joints. Kaidan lifts Jenkins into the air, and the marine's mouth is wide open with awe.

Kaidan moves his arm slowly, and Jenkins shoots back like he's being pulled by wires.

Kaidan then drops him on the ground, still holding his breath. He didn't lift him up high, maybe about two or three feet. But if he wasn't careful-

Jenkins shoots up on his feet, and throws his arms up in the air, _"That was awesome!"_

Kaidan laughs, breathing out a sigh of relief. He turns to Shepard to gauge his reaction, and is amazed to see that he was already looking.

 _Good job._ Shepard mouths.

Kaidan smirks and gives him a thumbs up.

* * *

As the days progress Kaidan starts to notice that Shepard isn't as disinterested as he seems.

From what Kaidan can tell, Shepard seems to have an insatiable curiosity about a lot of things.

When Nihlus boarded, Shepard's usual schedule didn't change, neither did his demeanor. Kaidan liked that, he even _especially_ liked how Shepard treated Nihlus like he did Anderson, respectfully and equally.

What was even more interesting to see though, was the fights.

And about once every day, Shepard and Nihlus would go toe to toe in the cargo hold. Nihlus fought like you expected a turian would, using long powerful arms and tough skin to an advantage.

The N7 program had ensured that Shepard would fight no matter the opponent, and the Commander sure proved that point by matching the turian in combat every time.

His knuckles came away with scrapes after each fight, and Kaidan always had the itch to help him apply the medi-gel.

"I'm surprised Nihlus hasn't floored you yet, Sir. You've gotta be doing something to his ego."

Shepard fixed him a small glance, "Thing is? I don't feel like he's here to make nice."

Kaidan remained quiet, prompting him to continue. Shepard shrugged, "Just feels like the guy is always watching me is all.

"I'm sure we'll find out soon enough, Commander." He reassures, fixing him with a kind look.

Shepard hums, and he departs, "I hope so."

That night they receive word that they would be leaving Arcturus tomorrow.

Their first mission; _Eden Prime._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't get why the devs of me1 thought sleeping pods were a good idea- wheres the flavor in that shit???
> 
> But yeah, bunks are better, we like bunks
> 
> Jenkins: throw me  
> Kaidan: no I could literally break your back  
> Jenkins: T HR OW ME  
> Shepard: throw 'im


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You know him?"
> 
> Kaidan thinks to their initial meeting, the way Shepard said I trust you, and how he talked with him in the dark room of the mess. The cold indifference turning into something else- something warmer, tender.
> 
> "I'd like to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm disappointed we didn't get more down time in between missions. Or a few cutscenes where we at least get to see Shepard interacting in the mess.
> 
> BTW I LOVE ALL OF YOU JESUS FUCK
> 
> special thanks to my proofreaders, I love you both so much <3

Eden Prime was a beautiful planet.

At least it had been. It was now scorched and burnt down, small fires still eating away at the ground. Kaidan was never used to seeing these images, no soldier was.

He couldn't even imagine what it had been like for Jenkins. This had been his home.

The Corporal's body was laying a few yards behind them. Kaidan glanced back at it distantly, hoping that he would just get up, throw his arms in the air like he had a couple of days ago.

_That was awesome!_

Kaidan turns his gaze away and focuses it on Shepard's shoulder instead. He had been asked to stay focused. He would.

They could mourn Jenkins together later.

For now, he and Shepard advance together in silence, only talking when they come across something of interest or when Nihlus sends something their way.

They round the corner of a massive tree root and run in face to face with a couple of more drones. They reflexively hold up their firearms and let loose, killing the drones in a couple of shots.

They look at eachother.

"Nice sho-" "Good aim-"

Amused, they stop. Kaidan struggles to keep a smile off his face. It's the little things.

"You first," Shepard offers politely.

Kaidan opens his mouth to reply. Distant gunfire reaches their ears instead, growing closer and closer. Kaidan spots a woman in Phoenix armor running towards them.

"Ahead of us, Commander."

* * *

Her name is Ashley Williams and she is perhaps one of the best soldiers Kaidan has ever seen. The three of them together put down geth forces quickly and easily.

Kaidan pops up his head, biotics crackling and ready to throw a nearby geth trooper up into the air.

Shepard suddenly shoves him down into cover, and Kaidan hears a bullet whizz by the space where his head had just been.

"Thanks, Commander!"

"Be careful! Williams, give me cover fire!"

"Yes, sir!"

Shepard reaches for his sniper, before it's even finished transitioning he lines up for a shot and fires. The sound of broken metal clattering onto the floor reaches his ears.

Shepard ducks back down and reloads, "Alright Alenko, there's a destroyer headed for us. Toss that SOB right in the air!"

"Aye aye, Commander!"

The crackling builds up in Kaidan's body, dark energy swirling from his arms to his palms, he peeks up out of cover, and unleashes an orb at the advancing destroyer.

It hits, and Kaidan swings his arm up in an arc, where the destroyer is shot off the ground, it's metal body warping from the force. Shepard looks over again, finger on the trigger and he places a well fired shot right on the machine's flashlight head.

The destroyer falls down, nothing more than scrap.

Ashley looks around from her position, "All clear, Commander."

"Good work Alenko, Williams." Shepard praises, before beckoning them along.

"Let's go secure that beacon."

Kaidan and Ashley's voices blend together, "Yes, sir!"

* * *

"Actual working Prothean technology! Unbelievable!"

Ashley is beside him, mouth just as wide open as his is, "It wasn't doing anything like that when they dug it up."

He can hear Shepard signaling the Normandy behind him, and the retreating footsteps of Ash as she leaves his side.

There's something gravitating him towards it. Like it wants to be interacted with, as if it has a purpose to share. A message.

The beacon flashes bright green, and Kaidan sucks in a breath as his feet begin to slide across the floor and his head begins to _pound._

There are brief flashes, something. Oranges and reds and it feels like Kaidan's brain is about to explode. There's a grip on his torso and a weight at his back, and with a cry Shepard tears Kaidan away and throws him to a safe distance.

The pain in Kaidan's head fades to a dull throb, and he rolls onto his hands and knees, "Shepard!"

Ashley grabs him and keeps him in place, and Kaidan watches in horror as Shepard is pinned in the air by whatever force is controlling the beacon. He can hear small noises of pain, and Kaidan struggles again.

"No!" Ash yells, then quieter, "It's too dangerous."

They watch helplessly as Shepard takes whatever the beacon is giving him, and with a crackle and flash it explodes, sending Shepard back hard against the ground.

Heart pounding, Kaidan rips away from Ash's grip and rushes closer to him. He checks over Shepard with his omnitool, and he's no doctor but it's easy to say he doesn't look good.

"Shepard- Shepard hey, wake up, Commander!"

Shepard's pale face stares back at him, unresponsive. It's his fault, his whole damn fault _shit-_

Kaidan swallows back the bile in his throat, and sits back on his knees.

The next few hours feel like a blurry mess.

But the worst part was the waiting. Even after the long ass debriefing and all of his other duties, Shepard still wasn't waking up. The doctor had told him that everything would be fine, but all Kaidan could think about was the irrational fear that his curiosity gave Shepard some type of irreparable damage.

"Waiting out here _again,_ LT?"

Kaidan turned his head to look at Ash. He had showed her around the Normandy earlier, and after that they were both sent to the barracks to get some rest. Kaidan tried, but the absence of Jenkins' rustling made it hard.

He didn't question why the Gunnery Chief was out here, it probably for the same reason he was.

"I just wanna see if he's gonna be okay," He answers, shifting against the wall. 

"You know him?"

Kaidan thinks to their initial meeting, the way Shepard said _I trust you,_ and how he talked with him in the dark room of the mess. The cold indifference turning into something else- something warmer, tender.

"I'd like to."

Ashley raises an eyebrow, "As?"

Kaidan passes his hand over his amp, gently fingering the grooves, "As what?"

Ashley fixes him a look, before the door to the med-bay hisses open and Dr. Chakwas pokes her head through.

"Lieutenant, I believe the Commander will be waking up soon if you'd like to accompany me."

Kaidan nods, turning to Ashley, "Would you like to...?"

Ashley shakes her head, "I'll talk to him when you guys are done."

Kaidan bids her goodbye with a quick wave, before following after Dr. Chakwas. The med-bay is dark, but Kaidan is still able to make out Shepard's silhouette on the medical table.

He stares at his face, arms crossed and his lower back resting against the table next to him. Shepard's face isn't peaceful, but it also isn't troubled, and Kaidan plays with his hands while he waits, the panic he had been feeling earlier finally settling down. He doesn't know how long it takes but after a while he hears a harsher exhale, one that isn't sleep-ridden.

Kaidan calls for Dr. Chakwas, his shoulders sagging in relief as Shepard sits up, hand pressed to his head.

"You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?"

Shepard blinks a couple of times, his eyelashes fluttering. Kaidan can't help but stare, and his heart warms at the image.

"Like the morning after shore leave..." he groans, "How long was I out?"

The doctor checks him over quickly with her omnitool, "About fifteen hours. Something happened down there with the beacon, I think."

Kaidan clears his throat and steps in, wincing as he remembers,"It was my fault. I must've triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way."

 _Push_ was describing it lightly. Shepard had grabbed him with such force that it left Kaidan's sides sore.

"You had no way to know what would happen," Shepard reassures, and he fixes Kaidan a glance.

Kaidan's lips quirk up in a soft smile.

He startles at the Doctor's voice, "Actually, we don't even know if that's what set it off. Unfortunately, we'll never get the chance to find out."

Shepard gazes quizzically.

"The beacon exploded," Kaidan explains, "a system overload, maybe. The blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship."

Shepard's gaze meets his, and that face morphs into something thankful, "I appreciate it."

The door hisses open, and Kaidan welcomes Anderson as he steps in, and kindly departs as the Captain asks him to leave.

Ashley perks up when he exits, "How is he?"

"Uh..." His hand passes over his amp as he glances back, "He's okay. Talking with the Captain now."

"And what about you? You were pacing back and forth like a little puppy." She teases.

Kaidan huffs a laugh, "Hey, okay, maybe I was a little too worried. But I did stick a knife in a Prothean light socket, can't help but blame myself for what happened."

"Hey, cut the crap," Ash chides, "None of use knew what that thing would do."

Kaidan nods, and the weight on his chest lifts.

They sit calmly for a little bit, just basking in the fact that Shepard is okay, that all of them are okay.

 _Except for Jenkins._ His mind whispers out, and Kaidan bristles slightly. Most of the crew had stopped by the cargo-hold to pay respects to his body.

"So what do you think of the rouge Spectre we're chasing after?" Ashley asks suddenly.

Kaidan looks at her, thinking about his answer, "Well it's certainly a surprise. I went into this thinking it'd be like any other assignment, man I was wrong."

Ashley raises a brow, "So you're excited?"

Kaidan laughs, "Well the stakes have risen. The geth are outside the Veil and being controlled by a murderous psychopath. What's worse is that the Council won't be able to do anything about it, and then there's the destruction of the beacon."

Ash scoffs, "Oh they're gonna be pissed. First we're gonna accuse their prized Spectre of treason, and then we're gonna tell them that their mission went to shit."

Kaidan wrinkles his nose, "Yeah, they're definitely not gonna be happy."

Their conversation ends abruptly when the med-bay door opens, and Kaidan and Ashley scramble back to their previous positions as Anderson exits.

Shepard follows a few seconds after, stretching his shoulders. His gaze falls on Kaidan and Shepard's eyes brighten somehow.

His heart beats hard, something in his chest flutters.

Kaidan perks up, and a smile grows on his face as Shepard walks over, "Glad to see you're okay, Commander."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never let me watch Kitchen Nightmares and write again I've literally cursed unnecessarily so many times lmao
> 
> Okay but seriously Kitchen Nightmares is fucking GOLD
> 
> Shepard: *is nice*  
> Kaidan: Oh God oh fuck Oh uHHhHhhh  
> Ash: You're gay  
> Kaidan: I am?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan gazed at her, confused, "Crush?"
> 
> Ashley fixed him a hard stare, "Oh, c'mon don't play dumb. LT, you're smitten with our CO."
> 
> Kaidan stiffened, "I- No it's uh... We're just... subordinates." The word left a bitter taste in Kaidan's mouth. It was cold and bland, it didn't feel right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Each time I click add chapter I can just feel the world zone out this really is dedication huh
> 
> Also you wanna know what gets me? The fact that until the point you get to the Citadel in ME1 Shepard is just in a type of weird limbo with how he wants to act. Like he's so indifferent and seemingly apathetic (for lack of better term), because of all his losses back on Akuze. Then he picks up all these alien friends and meets new people and then this is where the soft guy Paragon John comes out.
> 
> To simply put it, John tries to be the loner but he simply cannot because his dumbass is a people person despite him displaying slightly introverted characteristics.

The Citadel, a cosmopolitan super-station in the Serpent Nebula which is quite frankly the center of the galaxy. It was also one of the coolest stations that Kaidan has ever seen.

And then he got inside and the florescent lights started killing his brain. Hell, the Presidium was brighter than this, but in the darkened Wards just seemed to be a constant throb in his head each time they passed under a light. Their trainwreck meeting with the Council didn't exactly leave him in the brightest mood either.

In one of their many elevator trips Ashley looked at him rubbing his head, and gave him a nudge.

"You good there, LT?"

Kaidan only sighed and squeezed his eyes shut for some relief, "Too bright."

"You can head back to the ship if you want, Lieutenant." Shepard offered, looking over his shoulder to give him a once-over. 

Kaidan shook his head, "I'm fine sir, thanks for the offer."

Shepard only hummed, and he turned his gaze to look ahead again.

The elevator door opened and they stepped out to sounds of low, rhythmic, beats pulsating through the walls. Kaidan hadn't stepped foot in a place like Chora's den in a long time.

"I gotta say Commander, I don't think this Harkin guy will be our best lead, guys obviously a drunk if he's in a place like this," Williams was saying.

"He may not be reliable but he's the only resource we have. If he knows where Garrus is, then-"

Kaidan focused ahead, spotting some turians guarding the door, they turned to look in their direction and one of them pulled a gun, lining up for the shot.

"Get down!" Kaidan yelled, tackling Shepard on the ground as bullets pinged past their heads.

Shepard gazed up at him, dazed, "Thanks."

Kaidan smirked, "I owed you one."

"Hey guys, could use a little backup!"

They untangled themselves from each other, reaching for their guns.

"Got one rounding the corner!" Kaidan warned, firing off a few more shots until his target was down.

"On it!" Shepard said, waiting for the perfect moment until his assassin came around, using the butt of his rifle to slam it into hard turian skin. A quick shot to the head ended the fight completely.

They waited a moment for more hostiles, before gradually putting away their guns.

"Those were Saren's men, weren't they?" Kaidan asked aloud, looking for any special type of insignia on the armor.

"I'm sure they were," Shepard said, a tad bit breathless from his earlier stunt, "C'mon, let's go talk to Harkin."

* * *

The next few hours were spent running around the Citadel, tracking down one alien after the other. It was like a recruitment service, and Shepard was overseeing it.

It was like something out of a story. A hero putting together a band of people to track down one of the most dangerous people in the world. Or in this case, the entire Milky Way.

...And everything had gone their way, they'd gotten extremely lucky with Tali and her evidence. But it still felt wrong somehow, with Anderson stepping down and handing over the Normandy, admitting to his past relationship with Saren. It didn't settle right, knowing that the Captain _had_ to step aside.

And Shepard became a Spectre. _A_ _Spectre._ A representative for the very best of humanity.

Then there was all this other stuff, the mission, the dangers- the knowledge that the fate of the galaxy was possibly resting on their shoulders.

It felt like it wasn't real. The reality just wasn't sinking in yet.

"Kaidan, right?"

Kaidan looked up from his datapad, surprised to see Garrus standing a few feet away. Kaidan set the pad down and pushed himself to his feet.

"Yeah, Garrus?"

They shook hands, "You remembered. Sorry to bother you, Lieutenant, but I was wondering if there's any dextro-friendly foods lying about. 'Cause there's simply going to be a problem if we don't have any."

Kaidan laughed, "That'd be bad, yeah. I'm sure we have something. Nihlus... was scheduled to be aboard for a while."

Garrus followed him down the the cargo-hold, and the two of them started digging through boxes and bins, searching for the food that Nihlus left behind.

Kaidan paused, watching as Shepard walked around, talking to Wrex and Ash, "He makes rounds down here?"

Garrus nods, not looking up from his work, "Yeah. He checks on us, asks us about our lives, jobs, opinions. I gotta say, he's not what I expected from an Alliance Commander."

Kaidan hums, "Yeah he's... not what I expected either."

Garrus laughs, and he pulls out a packet of rations from a little box hiding deep in the pile, "Looks like we struck gold, as you humans say. Thanks, Kaidan."

He nods, "Anytime, Garrus."

Later during rotation, Kaidan is busy brushing his teeth in the restrooms, other soldiers filing out. The door hisses open again and Shepard files in, taking the far sink near the doors.

Kaidan does his best not to notice. He fails instantly.

Shepard's arms are exposed, as is a small part of his chest. Freckles and little moles dot some places on his skin, and large powerful arms are criss-crossed with small scars.

Kaidan rinses his mouth out, "Excited about having a room all to yourself, Commander?"

Shepard glances at him and shrugs, moving his toothbrush to the side of his mouth so he can talk, "Not really. You kind of get used to the noise after a while."

Kaidan nods, "Yeah, I hear you..."

Silence settles for a little more, Kaidan staring at himself in the mirror, running his hands through his hair, trying to comb the last of the dampness out.

"No gel?" Shepard asks, sounding surprised.

His eyes are bright blue and he seems... relaxed. Kaidan likes him like this, unburdened, in the moment.

"No gel. It's all static." Kaidan corrects.

Shepard raises an eyebrow, "Really? I touch your hair and I get zapped?"

Kaidan laughs, turning his body to face him, "Well, if I was on different material you would. Had an old roommate back at BAaT who called me Sparks. Our rooms were carpeted, and we had to wear these nasty little boots that just soaked up static."

He smiles, "Needless to say I've zapped a lot of people, with and without hair."

Shepard frowns, "Wish my hair could zap people."

Kaidan fixes him a look, his heart warm, and he crosses his arms, "Grow your hair out and we'll see... Commander."

Shepard stares at him, his face barely changes but yet...

"Just don't make it Williams long. I'm not sure that'd suit you, Sir."

Shepard smiles, glances back at the sink and then back at him, the smile lessens, "I'll keep that in mind."

Their omnitools chime with an alarm. Kaidan clears his throat and pushes himself off the sink.

"Night, Kaidan."

_Oh._

Kaidan smiles softly, "Night, Commander."

* * *

He's doing nothing but sipping his coffee, brooding at the mess table, tuning out the noise of the crew rustling about and grabbing breakfast. Kaidan already ate his about thirty minutes ago. The early biotic gets the most calories and biotics needed a _lot_ of calories.

Kaidan looked up, spotting Shepard weaving through the crowd. Their eyes met for a moment, and Kaidan smiled, pointing to his hair and wiggling his fingers.

Shepard's lips squirmed up, and then they continued.

"Wow."

Kaidan jumped at Ash's voice, "Huh?"

Ashley rolled her eyes, but she was smiling, "You crush worse than my little sister."

Kaidan gazed at her, confused, "Crush?"

Ashley fixed him a hard stare, "Oh, c'mon don't play dumb. LT, you're smitten with our CO."

Kaidan stiffened, "I- No it's uh... We're just... subordinates." The word left a bitter taste in Kaidan's mouth. It was cold and bland, it didn't feel right.

He didn't think subordinates was right the right way to describe them. But 'friends' also wasn't the right way either.

"We're... I don't know."

Ash took his hand, smiling softly, "I think it's a work in progress."

Kaidan smiled in return, and they both went back to sipping their coffee and talking about less confusing things.

"Williams! Alenko! Suit up, you're coming with me to Therum!"

Kaidan and Ashley shared a look, "Yes, Sir!"

The Mako was a beautiful machine, it was fast enough to cover a substantial distance, the firepower it had made it a force to be reckoned with, it could take multiple hits and continue on fighting. The only bad thing about the Mako was it's low maneuverability. But it was a good vehicle.

Now the Mako in Shepard's hands was a torture sent straight from Hell.

Kaidan, never in all his years of serving, had seen someone drive so recklessly on a planet filled with lava.

He felt his heart leap in his chest as the Mako's thrusters went on, shooting them upwards to avoid an oncoming blast. He was gripping onto the seat for dear life. Even Ash was busy scrambling for something to hold on to.

Shepard had a wild look on his face, and the Mako rumbled as it touched back down to the ground.

"Hey, Skipper, pardon the insubordination but can you not drive like a maniac?" Ash yelled, white-knuckling the armrests.

Shepard only laughed, and damn it was a nice sound to hear. Would've been even nicer if they weren't driving.

The main gun fired off, sending a dull rattle through the hull. Kaidan swallowed hard and shut his eyes, " _Jesus_ , Shepard who taught you how to drive?"

Shepard glanced back at him, eyes bright and lips curled back in a close-lipped smile. It was the first time that Kaidan had ever seen him like that, happy, forgoing the well-constructed professionalism he had.

The magic was ruined in an instant at Shepard's response to his question.

"I did!"

After retrieving Dr. T'Soni, getting her accustomed to the on-board schedule was a challenge, she was a curious woman, asking a lot of questions, commenting on things and rambling in mile-a-minute sentences.

But Kaidan could see what a lot of the crew liked about her, she was beautiful, wicked smart, and also very endearing.

Frankly, Kaidan was just glad that he had another biotic other than Wrex to talk to. She came to the mess around an hour before lights out, looking for something to eat.

"Hey Doctor, feeling any better?"

She flushed, "Oh please, it's just Liara. And yes, thank you for asking."

They were quiet as Liara made her own dinner, Kaidan was merely sitting, his eyes burning holes into the table.

"Are you alright, Lieutenant? You seem troubled."

Kaidan looked up at her, "Oh, sorry. I'm okay, just thinking."

He was thinking about the discussion he and Shepard shared earlier. How Kaidan told him about BAat, the exposures to eezo... Rahna. He had talked more than he meant to, and yet Shepard...

_You uh... make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?_

_I didn't say I did this for the whole crew.We should talk again._

Kaidan pulled his focus out of the memory.

"Well I hope it's good thoughts" Liara encouraged, offering a kind smile.

He returned it, "I think they are..."

Later that night a message pinged on his omnitool.

_< From: Commander John Shepard>_

_To: Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko_

_Hey, just looked up on the extranet that BAat stands for something entirely different._

Kaidan typed up a reply.

_KA: Really? Tell me._

_JS: Biotic Ass Ascension Training_

Kaidan snorted loudly, before covering his mouth in horror and biting at his palm to reduce the growing laughter bubbling in his chest.

_KA: I'm gonna wake up the entire crew oh god_

_JS: Best Alliance Ass Team_

Kaidan bit harder into the skin, a wide smile pulling at his face.

_KA: Commander!!!_

_JS: :)_

Kaidan inhaled loudly to steel himself, before typing up a comeback.

_KA: Big Amazing Anal Time_

Shepard's laughter could be heard all the way from the mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually playing me3 as I write this- and like there was a tender moment during the mission in Leviathan DLC. Like Kaidan just set his hand on John's shoulder and the way he said "hey, cmon" FUCK MAN my heart
> 
> Needless to say I can't wait until they're a thing here
> 
> Shepard: you're not gonna get attached when you get attached you lose people  
> Kaidan: :)  
> Shepard: F U C K
> 
> Also I apologize for Ash stans- also for this chapter, it's a different vibe from the rest but that's for a reason I promise


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard himself looks haunted, concerned, and Kaidan opens his mouth to ask him what's wrong. But something stops him, be it the fear of facing a rebuttal or just mere ingrained military regulation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bro I love listening to the ME1 Soundtrack- shit has songs that just SLAP
> 
> Also Chakwas is the best doctor ever dont @ me she'd totally let someone chill in her office for a couple of hours

The next morning after that, Kaidan, with his absolutely stunning amount of luck- gets a migraine.

He'd usually walk this off, just report in for the day and continue pushing through it, because a little head pain wasn't going to stop him from a gunfight. Today however it's different, large jabbing pulses like little knives poking at his brain. It hurts like a son of a bitch, and that morning Kaidan has no appetite and is in no mood to talk to anyone.

The Gunnery Chief takes notice -she always does- and she fixes him with a look of surprise, "You're lookin' crappy today, LT. Get any sleep?"

Kaidan thinks back to last night, stifling his laughter in the dark as the glow of the omnitool barely lit up his face.

"Went to bed a little later than usual... s'not what's killing me. Migraine."

Ash hisses, "Yikes. How bad?"

Kaidan winces as someone clatters their dish loudly against then table, "Bad."

 _Jesus,_ his head feels like it's gonna fucking explode. The pills aren't even kicking in yet and that's making him even more pissed off. Shepard might need him today for a mission and if he's not in top shape-

He stops the loud train of thought immediately at particularly painful throb, hissing through his teeth and shutting his eyes.

Ashley lays a hand on his shoulder, "C'mon, let's get you somewhere dark, huh?"

Kaidan frowns, "But-"

"If you're worried about the Commander, he left a little earlier than usual. He's on Noveria right now." Ash explains, tugging him from his seat and guiding him to the med-bay.

Kaidan struggles to formulate a reply as he passes under the lights, "Who'd he take with him?"

"He took Garrus and Liara, got to admit I wish he had better back-up."

In the darkness of the med-bay, Ashley guides him to sit on a nearby examination table, the painful throbbing waves lessen in intensity for a little bit.

"Well, her mom is on Noveria, right? Makes sense she'd wanna go. Unless.."

Ashley raises a brow, "Unless?"

Kaidan clears his throat, "Unless nothing. Forget it."

"LT... Wait- Are you jealous that the asari is getting some alone time with the Commander?"

Kaidan bristles, "No! I- I'm just-"

Ashley laughs, loud and howling and Kaidan has to grip his head.

"Yeah, yeah- Ow, could you maybe-"

Her laugh resides into a quiet snort, and she shakes her head, "Sorry- Man, you've got it bad!"

Kaidan averts his gaze. He didn't really wanna talk about his... attraction to Shepard when he had a killer migraine. He didn't even want to analyze all that had been said during their talks or even think about what was left _unsaid._

_I'll... need some time to process that, Commander._

Looks like now would be the time. Kaidan groans, and gives Ash his best pleading look, "Chief, can we _please_ talk about this later?"

Ash huffs, "Yeah, sure, LT. Rest up, alright?"

Kaidan chuckles, "Yes ma'am."

Dr. Chakwas slides in from the back room, datapad in hand. She takes notice of him and smiles, "Migraine, Lieutenant?"

"Yeah, not a pretty one either. I'll just... rest in here for a bit until it goes down." He assures, hoping he won't be intruding in on her space.

"Nonsense. Stay as long as you need to, Kaidan. This'll be the perfect opportunity for a nap."

Kaidan smiles through the growing pain, "Doc, are you suggesting that I sleep on the job?"

Chakwas smirks, "It won't be suggesting soon. Take a nap, Lieutenant. Doctor's orders."

Kaidan laughs quietly, and he tries his best to settle himself in a comfortable laying position on the med-bay table, "Aye aye."

* * *

When Shepard gets back Kaidan's miragine has all but gone, much to his relief.

However all that fluttery excitement about Shepard's return is gone in an instant the moment he sees his shore party come aboard.

Liara has tears trailing down her face, and she leans into Shepard's side, his arm thrown around her shoulders. Garrus is talking to her, the plates on his brow shifted into a frown.

Shepard himself looks haunted, concerned, and Kaidan opens his mouth to ask him what's wrong. But something stops him, be it the fear of facing a rebuttal or just mere ingrained military regulation.

There's something about seeing the Commander looking rattled. It's like walking in on something you weren't supposed to, a private, intimate moment. The rest of the crew sense it too, and they stay clear of Shepard until after the debriefing, where the mission had been discussed and reported.

It all starts to fall into place after that, and Kaidan is thinking deeply about the topic as he waits for Shepard to come down for his daily talk... if he even wants to talk after today.

Killing a mother... Kaidan can't even picture the image without a gruesome thought surfacing. To think about what Liara is feeling, having to kill her own mom like that.

Kaidan at least hoped that seeing the burns and scrapes on each other would hopefully lessen that guilt. If Benezia couldn't be saved... then she simply couldn't.

A weary sigh leaves his nose. The whole crew is quiet, suffocated by Liara's loss, by Shepard's reaction to that loss. They no doubt think of their own mothers, grateful for either their simple death, or for their life. Kaidan wonders about what Shepard is thinking. If he's dreaming about what he didn't have, or if he's grieving for taking that away from someone else.

And despite the need to comfort- Kaidan also knows that the crew could be put to risk. If Shepard were ever to get careless they could all get burned for it.

When Shepard comes down to talk Kaidan expresses his concerns. Shepard listens, as he always does, with his stupidly blue eyes and his soft monotone.

And somehow it goes from a gentle warning to a whole discussion about BAat, Vyrnnus and his cruelty, and then Kaidan rapidly trying to reel the subject back.

Kaidan clears his throat, gazing at Shepard with concerned eyes, "...Just, think about what I said."

John nods, "I will... thank you for telling me, Kaidan."

Kaidan's breath is knocked out of his lungs at the sound of name. Quiet, soft, like Shepard is careful about saying it. Kaidan's heart warms, and suddenly he's feeling greedy.

"You uh... you never talked much about you," Kaidan says, speaking slowly, and testing the limits to his curiosity.

"There's not much to know, not really," Shepard says, and he looks a little taken aback, "Sorry... I suppose I'm used to people reading my file."

Kaidan chuckles, "Well lucky for you, I don't have access to that, Sir."

Shepard's lips quirk. Then, a gentle smile blooms, all for him, all out of his own decision. Kaidan can't help but look at him, awed and breathless at the sight, and not for a second does he think of the power John Shepard holds over him.

"Well... I was born on Earth. Probably someplace in the slums of some large city. If I'm being honest I don't remember much about those early years. Just a member of the Reds popping up in my face and asking if I needed a job..."

They continue talking for God knows how long, comparing their childhood lives, their teenage years. Kaidan learns so much more about Shepard than he ever thought was possible. What was even more surprising was finding that he and Shepard shared little in common.

Shepard grew up someplace on the east coast of North America, while Kaidan grew up mostly on the western coast. The loud bustling noises of the city slums were a stark contrast to the quiet suburbia of Vancouver.

_"It sounds so quiet." "It sounds so loud."_

_"How do you even sleep?"_

Shepard liked old action movies. Kaidan had a particular spot for war documentaries. 

_"Documentaries? Really? We have media in this century, Alenko."_

_"Action movies? Well aren't you basic, Commander."_

Talking to Shepard, merely just being around him, Kaidan noticed that the CO was fading and the man was coming into light. Kaidan liked seeing the man, he liked knowing about Shepard's life, about what kind of interests he had. He liked seeing him. Open. True.

That night Kaidan went to bed thinking about the Alliance, and about how everything would be so much easier had there been no regs to keep them apart.

* * *

With the mission picking up speed, it's easy to forget about a lot of things. Kaidan's mind rushes as he reads the reports about Feros, the pleading cry of help from the colonists, and their next upcoming mission after that, Virmire.

The name of the planet just sends chills down his spine, like it activates some awkward superstition.

Kaidan is drawn out of his thoughts at the sound of a heavy sigh, and he turns his head to meet the look of a distraught Ash.

"Everything ok?" He asks.

Ash nods, "Peachy. LT, how do I tell my little sister that the men of her dreams are off limits?"

Kaidan shrugs, looking back at his datapad, before pulling up his omnitool and making a couple of notes, "I have no clue. Just uh... tell it like it is?" He offers.

"Wow." Ash remarks, "I totally didn't think of that, thanks, LT. Real clever."

Kaidan rolls his eyes, "Hey, I don't know! I'm an only child, remember?"

Ashley laughs, "Lucky. How about I tell her that her two dream guys are madly in love with each other?"

Kaidan shrugs, then pauses, "Hey!"

Ashley snickers, "So, are you guys breaking regs yet?"

Kaidan sighs, knowing he's not going to get out of this, "No... besides it's just-"

"If you say one more thing about being just friends, I'm going to smack you-"

Shepard appears in their peripheral and they shut up immediately, "Williams, Alenko, ready to accompany me to Feros?"

They nod, and as Shepard departs, Ash slaps him on the shoulder.

"Try not to have eye sex or anything while I'm there." She teases.

Kaidan bristles, "Eye sex? _Really?_ "

Ash snorts, "Gosh you're so sensitive, come on, LT."

* * *

They lie in the med-bay, breathing hard and still trying to comprehend what they just saw.

All three of them are smeared in the Thorian's sticky plant blood, feeling both violated and elated.

Kaidan is taking off his gauntlets, blowing out a gust of air through his cheeks, and grimacing at the sticky white plasma that lathers over them, "I never want to face a plant creature ever again."

Shepard is pulling off his chest piece, the tight fabric of his under-armor accentuating the fine chiseled muscle of his arms and body, "Me too. I don't even think I could keep a fake plant after that."

Ash laughs, already stripped of her heavy plated Phoenix armor. She's stacked it in a neat pile and she hoists it into her arms, waving, "I'm gonna go clean this shit off. Take care you two."

Kaidan and John both bid her goodbye, before leisurely laying about after a long mission.

Kaidan turns to look at Shepard, only to have their eyes meet. Kaidan fights back the urge to look away, "You think the colony is gonna be alright?"

Shepard shrugs, crossing one ankle over the other as he sits, "I think so... colonists don't give up easily."

Kaidan smiles fondly at his optimism, playing with his hands in his lap. Chakwas had given them a small checkup earlier, curing the scrapes they had endured from mindless thralls and falling rubble. Kaidan inhales, his nose burning from the smell of the antiseptic medi-gel.

Right now time seems slow and nonexistent. Having Shepard next to him... Kaidan feels light, happy.

Shepard clears his throat and drags his fingers across his shoulder. Kaidan's heart beats hard and fast, and he struggles to keep his jaw from hitting the floor.

"Let's get to the debriefing."

"Y-yeah."

"So that's why you're so self controlled." Shepard said, with a sudden clarity lighting up his eyes and the expression of understanding painting his face.

Kaidan's head was swimming, who would've known they'd be talking about one of the worst moments of his life after a debriefing. He would've laughed if it were any other subject.

"I'm no more disciplined than any other biotic, Shepard. This is all ancient history. I'm over it." Kaidan admitted modestly, his voice low and quiet.

Shepard eyed him, "You agonize over doing the right thing, you never let yourself lose control, because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnnus died."

"That's- alright. Maybe you have a point. _Maybe."_ Who was Kaidan shitting? Shepard was right... about everything.

He couldn't help but imagine what expression Rahna would be wearing now, seeing him fling his enemies across the sky with his biotics, not willing to take any chances with his squad's life. With Shepard's.

"But you don't have to worry about me... fully functional human being. And I won't be a burden on you. On the crew."

Shepard's eyes were too blue and concerned, "Kaidan you're a strong man. Talking about this doesn't make you a whiner and it doesn't make you immature. It makes you human..."

Kaidan liked the way his voice softened, "Alright... but it's embarrassing you had to tell me that."

His gaze was expectant, and Kaidan continued, "You're right. I might need to loosen up a little, I'll try."

A slight smile formed on Shepard's face, just a gentle upturning of his lips, all for him. Kaidan felt his heart swelling, his chest fluttery.

"I'm glad you'll be here when this is over," He admitted quietly, and he wanted so badly in that moment to take Shepard's hand in his.

Kaidan's smile grew wider, and he chuckled, "I'll be looking forward to some shore leave..."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank yall for your kind comments and kudos!! I'm fully invested in this fic now haha
> 
> Also this chapter took me stupidly long to write hngk


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three of them stood there, each wearing a varying degree of a smile. Ash's grin dropped suddenly, and she pulled the two men into a hug. They hugged her back instantly, knowing all to well what some comfort did before a mission.
> 
> "Stay safe you guys..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be a bit long!! I have tons of shit I want to cover in this
> 
> Lol, all this writing has me inspired to play me1 again, anyways, read on

The thrum of the shower water is calm and soothing, merely background noise for his rushing thoughts. At least it would usually be, right now Kaidan's head is at an all time quiet. There was only the running shower, and the echo of the droplets against the tile.

Kaidan's eyes are closed, he's at peace here. He's enjoying the warmth of the water, the comfort it brings

Strong tan arms wrap around his bare waist, and Kaidan chuckles, recognizing the little criss-crossing scars.

"Hey," he murmured, reaching behind himself to cup a stubbled jaw, "There you are."

Kaidan turns around to face him, staring into beautiful blue eyes. His thumb traces John's well defined cheekbone, and his free hand goes to settle on a sturdy hip. The skin was smooth and surprisingly delicate, and Kaidan dug his blunt nails in to leave a little mark.

John answered him back, "Hey, Kaidan."

Shepard was smiling, close lipped and private. All for him, only for him.

Kaidan couldn't help but grin at that. He wanted to pull him closer, feel every part of him.

He leaned in, feeling John's breath on his lips, the heat of his mouth mere inches from his own-

Kaidan shot awake, his heart pounding and cheeks burning. He put a hand over his face, letting out a heavy sigh as he replayed the dream's events over and over and over.

He bit back a groan of frustration. Why did John have to look like that? With his blue eyes and his well formed body, the clean cut lips and the prominence of his brow.

Ash was going to laugh at him. She was totally gonna laugh at him.

He threaded his hands through his hair, sighing through his nose. Kaidan wondered what he would feel like, to trace his hands over the marks left by life. And what would kissing him be like? Would Shepard be insistent and pressuring? Would he be soft, accepting, or maybe even a little bit of both?

 _Enough._ He chided himself, _You don't need to make this harder than it already is._

Kaidan pulled up the time on his omnitool. It would be a few more hours before rotation was called in. He resisted another urge to sigh heavily. Kaidan rubbed his eyes and pulled up the extranet, mindlessly scrolling in hopes he would merely pass out again.

When morning came, Kaidan had managed to get a couple of hours of shuteye, and he all but banished the dream from his memory. He wasn't going to let it get in the way of the mission. The mission was always first.

He still couldn't look at the crews showers without blushing a little though.

"Sleep well?"

Kaidan turns his head, watching as Ash slides up to him, he smiles and shrugs, "Well enough, what's up?"

Ashley beckons with her head for him to follow, and they head into the elevator, going for the cargo hold, "Shepard, wants us to get ready and prep the Mako. We're heading down to Virmire with him."

Kaidan shudders, "Oh God, not again."

Ash snickers and pats him on the shoulder, "Reports say its mostly flat land. Shepard won't be sending us over hilltops this time."

She laughs at his sigh of the relief, and they fall into a comfortable silence as they start putting on their armor running checkups on their shields, even Tali ventures down to check on them, and her and Kaidan get into a discussion about omnitools.

The elevator stops and Shepard steps out, leisurely strolling towards them, "We reach the drop point in ten, everyone ready?"

"We are, what do you think is down there, Sir?" Ash questions.

Shepard shrugs, "I've got no clue. But if the Council needed us to check in then I bet it's going to be one hell of a fight."

Kaidan rests against his locker, arms crossed, "Think it might be one for the history books?"

Ash scoffs, "Please, we're hunting down Saren. I'm sure anything we do will be in the history books."

"Fifty years later," Shepard says with a hum, "When everything isn't classified."

They laugh and talk, imagining what life will be like after they complete this mission, what will come next even after that. Eventually they board onto the Mako, Shepard assuming the main controls.

"Aw, shit," Ashley says suddenly.

Kaidan raises a brow, "You okay?"

She nods, "Yeah, just forgot to reply to my sister is all."

"She'll be waiting for you when you get back," he encourages.

Shepard suddenly starts up the Mako, Kaidan and Ash fix each other a glance and both simultaneously gulp.

The Mako warms up, its gentle whirr filling up the silence. Joker's voice is heard loud and clear over the comms, "Approaching Drop Point, good luck, Commander."

Shepard nods, and when the signal is given the all clear to drop Kaidan's stomach lurches in his gut as the tank pulls forward and flies through the open air.

_"Jesus fuc-"_

* * *

A breeding facility.

A krogan breeding facility.

Lives were being made here. Lives that were only going to be made for the purpose of waging galactic war. Kaidan couldn't imagine how someone would have the gall to do that to a generation. To _children._ It reminded Kaidan of BAat. Of Vyrnnus. If they failed here today would there possibly be another kid to do what he did? Or would all these krogan children be nothing but mindless thralls, much like the husks that Kaidan sometimes still has nightmares about?

"Hey."

Kaidan looks up from the ground to meet Shepard's concerned gaze. The Commander looks him up and down, "You alright, Lieutenant?"

He nods, "Better now." He murmurs.

Ashley walks up to them, her rifle held tightly in her hands. She smiles stiffly at them, "Hey guys."

Shepard raises an eyebrow, and pulls her into their little circle, "Anything wrong?"

She shakes her head, "No... just pre-mission jitters is all."

Kaidan smiled, "Ashley Williams and pre-mission jitters? Who the hell are you?"

She snorted socking him lightly in the shoulder, "Shut up, LT."

The three of them stood there, each wearing a varying degree of a smile. Ash's grin dropped suddenly, and she pulled the two men into a hug. They hugged her back instantly, knowing all to well what some comfort did before a mission.

"Stay safe you guys..." she muttered, drawing away from their embrace.

Shepard only nodded, his eyes down turned and voice soft, "You too, Ash."

She smiled once again, giving them a thumbs up. The two of them watched her depart with the STG soldiers. Kaidan looked at Shepard to see him still looking back. He touched him carefully on the arm, "Hey. She'll be ok."

Shepard nodded, although the frown on his brow still didn't fade.

"Right... let's get this done, then."

"Aye aye, Sir."

A warhead. He's arming a nuclear warhead after just talking with a sentient ship. Not even a ship- a being. A living machine that's 50,000 years old, perhaps even more ancient than that.

This train of thought is going to make up for one hell of a migraine later, he just knows it.

Ash is yelling orders at her squad, Kaidan takes relief in just being able to hear her voice. Shepard's comm is dead silent, and Kaidan knows that means he's focused. He occasionally hears Garrus whooping in triumph, or the loud, ear-splitting sound of Wrex slamming into a target with full krogan speed.

But it doesn't distract him. It can't.

They can't leave this place without making sure it's turned into rubble first. Kaidan opens up the hatch to input the coding and the countdown. Thrusters sound above him, and he watches wide eyed with horror as a dropship begins settling over the bomb site.

"Heads up, LT, we just spotted a troop ship heading to your location."

Kaidan readied his gun, watching as geth dropped down hard onto the ground, "It's already here! There's geth pouring out all over the bomb site!"

The comm crackles with Shepard's voice, "Hold on, Lieutenant, I'm coming back to get you."

Kaidan doesn't think when answering, "Negative, there's just too many of them, I don't think we can hold them off!"

Here he does think, he looks back to the advancing force of geth heading to his position. He thinks about Shepard and Ashley, about their future, about the future of trillions if this breeding facility doesn't go up in flames.

"I'm activating the bomb."

Shepard's voice comes in panicked over the comm, "Alenko what are you doing?"

A gunshot pings past him. Kaidan inhales and thrusts his hand out, forming a biotic barrier around himself and the bomb, "I'm just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what."

More shots are repelled by his barrier. Kaidan can feel the shielding beginning to crack. Dammit he can't multi-task like this!

Suddenly an activation jingle rings across the bomb site, "It's done! Go get Williams, and get the hell out of here!"

Ash needs that support. She needs Shepard to back her up. The geth are closing in, and Kaidan brings out his pistol. The barrier holds strong but he can't hold it forever.

"Screw that! We can handle ourselves, go back and get Alenko!"

There are sounds of gunfire feeding through her comm, of explosions and other horrible sounds. She can't be doing this-

Shepard is silent. So silent that he can't even hear his breathing. _I'm sorry, but you have to make a choice and please, John. Please choose her-_

"...Alenko, radio Joker and tell us to meet him at the bomb site."

Kaidan sucks in a breath, "Yes Commander, I- I-"

Ash's voice talks him through as he hails for the Normandy, "You _know_ it's the right choice, LT."

Shepard's sigh is heavy, "I'm sorry-"

A sudden onslaught of geth rockets break his barrier. They catch him off guard, sending him flying back, and Kaidan's helmet collides hard with his head, putting an increasing pressure on his amp.

Another flare of hurt blooms in his side from a gunshot, the pain searing and hot, and Kaidan groans as he thrusts his hand out again, forming another barrier quick enough to make his teeth rattle.

The Geth are pouring over him, they're going to stop the bomb and Shepard might have both of them die for nothing. He applies pressure to his side, stopping the small amount of blood flow that oozes out of the hole in his armor.

His ears are ringing, eyes burning, all Kaidan can hear is Ash's voice.

_I don't regret a thing._

A geth is right next to him, ready to break down his barrier and-

A powerful shot has it's head splitting open, white plasma spitting all over the ground. Kaidan follows the shot trajectory to Garrus, flanking Shepard's side along with Wrex.

The geth turn their attention on them, and Kaidan watches as the fight begins. Or at least he tries to, his head swims and his side aches, and all the noise is fading in and out again.

He spots something, like the silhouette of a ship or odd space bird heading towards them. Kaidan then recognizes the intricate turian crest.

"Saren!" He warns, watching in relief as John ducks behind cover just in time. Shepard fires a few shots off, and they land pitifully against Saren' strong shielding.

Kaidan holds his breath as he waits for the showdown. They're exchanging words, arguing. Kaidan realizes that Shepard is trying to pressure Saren into leaving. With the bomb about to go off-

Shepard moves then, throwing a grenade that lands right below Saren's hovercraft. The blast sends the rouge Spectre teetering off, leaving him to land hard on his feet. It doesn't stop him from advancing, and he rips the rifle out of Shepard's hands.

Watching them fight reminds Kaidan of Nihlus. He remembers the fights he and Shepard had down in the cargo hold.

Saren slams Shepard into the ground, and John snarls back at him, landing a well placed hit to his face.

Kaidan's eyes slip closed for long. Too long.

His head is throbbing again, his side is aching painfully. The alarm of the bomb is ringing beside him, loud and screwing with the inside of his head.

When Kaidan does manage to open his eyes, he sees Shepard hovering above him, hand outstretched. He's bleeding from his nose, and there are deep bruises forming around his neck. Kaidan takes his hand, without question, figuring that the fight with Saren must be over.

His knees weaken, and Kaidan curses under his breath as he tries to get his legs under himself again.

Shepard instead picks him up like he's weightless.

He feels the safety of John's arms keeping him in place, and the last thing he sees is the cargo door closing, drowning our the oranges and reds of Virmire into the gentle, Normandy blues.

* * *

Everyone is in the med-bay after the mission, everyone who touched down. Kaidan looks around at the empty tables, and his heart aches at the thought of knowing that there was supposed to be one more here.

Kaidan looks to his left to find Shepard at his bedside. He looks haunted and exhausted, and Kadian hates that he had to be the one to make that choice.

In the med-bay, none of them say a word.

The debriefing happens a day after that, each of them settled up in the comm room, Kaidan can't help but question Shepard for his choice after the meeting.

The answer he gets is a one mixed with truth and bullshit.

Kaidan supposes he can't be angry at him, not with all the stuff that's going on in his head right now. With the Protheans- the vision and- and _Ilos._

That's where they need to be. Ash was so close to seeing the horizon, it wasn't fair that she just missed it.

He breathes in deeply, he can't dwell on her right now. They'll celebrate her after all this is over. Hold a memorial for her or something.

A hand touches his arm, then, "It'll be ok."

Kaidan turns to look at Shepard, surprised to see him down here so early. Not that Kaidan doesn't mind seeing him at all.

"I hope so."

"It will," Shepard assures, he takes a seat next to Kaidan, trailing off quietly, "How are you dealing? With Ash...?"

Kaidan answers back, matching his tone, "Dealing, sir."

They sit like that, together at the mess table, alone in the mess hall. Their knees bump once. Kaidan looks down at the table, "I'm sorry for anything I said back there. Adrenaline."

"I get it," Shepard murmurs carefully, "I don't like losing people either."

"I never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action either," He says, unsure of what else to talk about.

"Shepard... how did you deal with the losses on Akuze?"

Their eyes meet immediately. Shepard inhales and answers honestly, "Its was my job to make sure everyone made it out safe. But I failed. I vowed to make sure it would never happen again."

His hands interlock in front of him, "The same goes for Ash. I'll remember her, and I'm going to do better for her."

Their knees rest against each other's under the table, Kaidan relishes in the comfort, "I guess that's all we can do... thanks, Shepard."

They sit for a little, saying nothing and enjoying the quiet.

Shepard fidgeted in his seat a little, "Kaidan..."

Kaidan turned to look at the sound of his name, soft and delicate in Shepard's mouth.

"I chose you because I could never leave you behind... never."

Kaidan stares into the serious blue eyes in front of him, and he knows that John means it.

"I couldn't either, Shepard."

* * *

They spend the next few days healing. Doing more upkeep on ship maintenance, crew interaction- overall the Normandy is bustling with a type of excitement.

Everyone knows that they're getting close to catching Saren. They can feel it.

All the energy pushes the crew into a mild celebratory mood. While maintaining protocol during active hours they're more wilder when they're off duty. There's a small group of them forming a circle in the cargo bay, surrounding Shepard and Garrus as they fight in the makeshift ring.

Kaidan ventures down calmly, knowing that what they're doing is harmless. The only thing that can be damaged is the crews pockets, as bets are being placed on who would win each round.

Kaidan stands on the sidelines, watching with a slight smile as his Commander wrestles with the grey crested turian. There's laughter and Shepard is smiling, all is good.

_Wish you could've been a part of this Ash. You would've liked this._

Suddenly a slap on the shoulder shoves him into the ring, encouraging him to battle the yet undefeated Shepard. John meets his gaze and chuckles, "They're pitting _you_ against me?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kaidan asks, feigning annoyance. He knows he can't win in a hand to hand match against Shepard.

"Oh, you know perfectly well what that means, Alenko. Now let's go!"

The order prompts Kaidan to attack first. Shepard dodges his blow easily, and counter-attacks. He barely misses the graze of knuckles. They continue like that, Shepard nearly landing hits and Kaidan missing them by a mile. They're both sweating slightly from the amount of footwork they're putting in.

A growing smirk finds it's way on Kaidan's face, and when John throws a left hook, Kaidan all but leaps back, skittering across the floor as he almost barrels into the crowd behind him.

His biotics tingle, Kaidan putting trust in himself. As Shepard advances for him Kaidan vaults him up into the air.

"Oh shi-" Shepard exclaims as he flails in the air, before promptly laughing his head off.

"Alright that's enough," Shepard says lightly, "Please put me down."

Kaidan smiles warmly, gently settling him down on the ground again.

"Okay, Alenko, you win." He says, shaking his head in amusement.

Kaidan's grin doesn't cease, the crew is hollering over his stunt. He and Shepard clasp hands in a friendly manner, staring deep into each other.

Shepard smirks, "Hit the showers, Lieutenant."

Kaidan smirks back, "Only if you join me."

The shocking realization of what he just said dwindles on Kaidan. He watches the blush bloom on Shepards face, and he withdraws his hand and salutes.

"Be seeing you, sir!"

Kaidan stalks for the elevator, punching in the button for the upper deck. As he waits for his stop his face burns red.

_I did not just say that, I did not-_

The elevator dings, and Kaidan composes himself before stepping out. He tries not to think about what just happened, what Shepard might think of the whole situation. It bothers him for a little and then eventually... Kaidan isn't sorry for it anymore.

Shepard seemed to like it. And the regs wouldn't have them resign now just for a little bit of flirting.

He settles himself by fiddling with the panel near the pods, a daily activity for him. He doesn't know how much time passes but soon Joker's announcement rings throughout the ship, _"Thirty minutes out from the relay, Commander."_

"Get us there safely Joker."

Kaidan jumps to the sound of John's voice. He turns to look at him, and he nods when seeing him.

"Hey, Kaidan."

"Hey," He answers back, and he searches for any signs of discomfort, only to find none, "We're so close now..."

Shepard nods, leaning against the wall, "Yeah. The Council will have get a fleet mobilized around us now that we've got Saren's location."

Kaidan nodded, "It'd be a fitting tribute to Ash, getting everyone to rally together like that... Not to mention the things it'd do for you. I can imagine you'll get a Star of Terra out of this."

Shepard chuckles lightly, "About time for the Council to finally support us.Think about yourself too... Your life hasn't been the easiest, but it's made you into an incredible man... one that I like."

He sounded genuine, sincere, Kaidan couldn't help but smile, "Please, Commander, you'll make me blush."

Kaidan paused for a moment, "No bull though, Shepard. I wanna follow through with this."

His eyes met Shepard's, "It'll be tough keeping it separated from duty, but when the missions complete... it'll be different."

He couldn't stop the hint of longing in his voice, "At least I hope so."

Shepard smiled, "I bet you say that to all your commanding officers."

Kaidan rose his brows, "Well.. ever since I heard the Captian's mess gets better food."

"Keep that in mind after this is over," Shepard said, breaking their eye contact to look around. His eyes returned, "I _will_ be tracking your shore leave, mister."

Gente fingers brushed against his own, Kaidan's heart did somersaults in his chest. He answered, low and soft, "I kind of hoped any shore leave would be joint."

The curve of Shepard's lips told him that it would be, and the Commander gently squeezed his hand before walking away to attend to his other duties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They made the rescue scene on Virmire so dramatic. Like we just see Kaidan/Ash on the floor with no explanation to how they got there and why they need to be thrown over Sheps shoulder like a sack of potatoes
> 
> Anyways, heres my take on that lmao
> 
> Next few chapters I'm really excited to write for!! We're going to finally start getting into the angst tag


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH sorry this one took so long folks!! Been busy, also WOW 300 hits I'm in love with all of you holy shit
> 
> Big thankies- EAFB

_Seething._

Kaidan sees nothing but red.

_You bastard! You're selling us out!_

He closes his eyes and steadies his breath, he doesn't want to know what that outburst is going to cost him. Kaidan steadies his hands and squeezes the trigger of his pistol, the recoil settling his nerves as it strikes in the upper shoulder of the target.

Kaidan always retreats here when he gets pissed off. The Citadel has numerous shooting ranges but this one is always quiet, nothing but the echoing sound of his shots.

It was just... so frustrating. Udina shuting them down like that.

And that fucking turian councilor. Kaidan wanted to punch him in the face.

_You detonated a nuclear device on Virmire! I would hardly call that discrete._

Kaidan remembers seeing John stiffen at that. Both of them had probably shared the same thought in that moment. They lost Ash on Virmire, and for the damn Councilor to just...

The fight bleeds out of him with the thought of her, and Kaidan's form relaxes as he clicks the safety of his pistol on.

He can't even imagine the frustration that Shepard must be feeling (he'd relinquished calling him Commander in his head by now.) To have nothing but all his credibility shot down simply because of something as low-priority as politics, especially when the whole galaxy was at stake. Sure the Council didn't want to risk going to war, but there was a lot more than just war at stake, there was a damn galactic genocide.

His head just keeps mulling over it all the way back to the Normandy. Kaidan removes his armor in the cargo bay, taking the time to organize his locker. Garrus is cleaning his rifle next to him, and Kaidan shrugs.

"Okay, I gotta ask, who taught you how to shoot?"

Garrus chuckles, checking the barrel, "My father would occasionally take me to a shooting range when I was little. However, when I joined the military most of my off-duty hours were spent in the range, started getting a little competitive with my fellow soldiers..."

Kaidan isn't that surprised to hear that. He releases an amused exhale.

"You're not that bad of a shot yourself, Kaidan. Who taught _you_ how to shoot?" Garrus questions.

Kaidan closes his locker, "My father too, actually. Let me pop a couple of clips in the backyard shooting at bottles." The fond memory warms him, and Kaidan smiles.

"Sounds like good times."

"They were."

Kaidan pushes off his locker, patting Garrus on the shoulder, "I'll let you get to it, Garrus."

Garrus nods once, focus tuned back into his rifle maintenance. Kaidan heads into the elevator, stretching out his back as he waits for the crew floor.

As he steps out he's surprised to see John at his own locker, checking over his gear rather furiously. The frown on his brows is deeply set.

Kaidan watches as he closes his locker, fingers twitching against the thin metal. Shepard exhales loudly, before sitting down and allowing his back to hit the lockers with a soft bang. It reminds Kaidan of the way toddlers have tantrums, except this tantrum is well and truly earned.

He approaches, standing right at Shepard's feet, "Commander, are you alright?"

The line between Shepard's brow lessens and Kaidan continues, "I'm sure there's a way to appeal," he reassures, "We're under Alliance authority after all, not the Council's."

"Offical channels are closed," he says, bitterness painfully obvious, "They were quite clear about that."

His gaze trails from Kaidan to the floor, _He's even more mad than I am._

"Closed? And we're supposed to accept that?"

Kaidan releases a harsh laugh, "So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat."

The crude humor seems to have worked, Shepard has calmed down significantly now.

"We're out of the game for now," Shepard sighs, then continues, softer, "I need you to be there while I figure things out."

Kaidan flushes a little, "You know you can count on me or any of the crew, Commander."

John fixes him a look that reads: _Are you fucking serious?_

"C'mon, Kadain," Shepard exclaimed, "I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder."

The sudden admittance of that had warmed Kaidan's body. It just seemed so unlike Shepard to ask this from him, especially now, with the Alliance chaining them down and watching them like animals.

"Yeah, well, I always leave a way out, you know that," He reminded gently.

"I'm here for you. But we're in a rough spot, and the last thing I want to do is muddy things." He explained, and his focus drifted to a thousand different scenarios all at once, revolving around him, John... the crew.

He sighed lightly, "Like it's all that clear to begin with. Are we the pride of the fleet, or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

He cut himself off, face flushing as he realized he was rambling. He was going to apologize, but the softness in John's features stopped him.

"Can't just pull out a good ol' fashioned 'it'll be alright,' now can you?" He teased.

Kaidan's lips curled at the edges, "It's that easy, huh? Okay then."

He inhaled softly, wanting to put as much truth in the words as he could, "Everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out."

He could tell John was holding back a smile, "That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

Kaidan chuckled, "I could get used to it."

Something tender settled between them. Kaidan felt it covering them like a blanket.

"I guess we have some downtime to... figure out what we are, huh?" He murmured, before offering his hand.

Shepard took it.

Kaidan wasn't expecting Shepard to put so much force into getting up. John collided with his chest, all tight, corded muscle, and Kaidan rested a hand on his waist to stabilize him. There were hands at his sides, John was holding onto him too.

His heart began to pump a fraction faster. They would back away, like they had to. They were going to laugh it off and act like it didn't happen. But John didn't draw away. Kaidan should've. But he was always going to follow him, he wouldn't budge if Shepard wasn't going to.

Shepard was warm. Hot, even. Kaidan could feel the heat of his skin through the fabric of their uniforms. His hand gently squeezed an arm, and a mirroring touch was felt someplace on his hip.

It'd only been seconds, but it progressed like minutes. Kaidan felt his heartrate settle down, going back into the slow, calm beat. Like it was used to this, expecting it even. He was completely calm.

John was the first to move, the hand on his shoulder digging in and prompting him to follow.

Kaidan did, inhaling in the smell of his aftershave, the crisp modern scent of his cologne.

Kaidan's eyes began to close, wanting nothing more than to feel John's lips on his own. His hand slid to John's nape, feeling the softness of his buzz and there was a burst of hot breath against his lips.

_Shepard-_

_"Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captian Anderson."_

John receded as if he'd been struck, and Kaidan closed his eyes and exhaled in pure frustration. They untangled their limbs, stepping back. Kaidan passed his hand over his amp.

"What did he want?" Shepard asked, and he sounded a little too calm.

_"Only to meet him at that club in the Wards. Flux."_

Kaidan blew out a breath. The disappointment was settling on him like a dark cloud.

"I guess you'd better go."

John raised a brow, before nudging his leg with his foot, "Come with."

After that, Kaidan couldn't say no.

-

_What are we doing what are we doing what are we doing._

The question kept pinging around in his head as he charged through the Nordmandy's floors, preparing the crew for their unscheduled take-off.

His mind worried. Worried for Anderson, their man on the ground, and worried for the Normandy, her crew. If the Citadel opened fire on them it was all over, they would fail galaxy and themselves.

He made a break for the bridge, coming up to stand next to Joker and Shepard, hoping and waiting for the controls to unlock. Joker gave Shepard a skeptical look, and Shepard returned it with nothing more than steely blue eyes.

Suddenly the red lock disappeared and the Normandy whirred to life. Joker grinned from ear to ear, and Shepard muttered a pleased, "Yes!" under his breath.

"Get us to Ilos, Joker!"

Joker scoffed, "Let's just focus on getting off this station first!"

Kaidan flashed John a grin, and he touched him on the arm, "Here's hoping."

John only returned the look, and his lips shot up in a returning smile, "Here's hoping," he repeated.

That night the crew is restless settling into their bunks. It takes a long time for all of them to fall asleep, and throughout it all Kaidan sees the faint orange glow of omnitools, they're checking on their families and leaving notes for kin. Simply cause they might not make it back, and even if they did there was still Alliance command to deal with.

Kaidan himself didn't do anything. He wanted to speak to Mom and Dad, let them know that he was doing the right thing going against protocol. Something in him stopped him from sending the message and Kaidan's thoughts shifted and swirled from there.

Suddenly he mind began to rewind, replaying his and Shepard's near kiss by the lockers. Kaidan recalls the warmth of his skin and the solidness of his body. Then he's aching for him, a full bodied thing.

They might die tomorrow.

Ilos. The planet that held the Conduit, whatever the hell that was. All of Saren's forces would be gathered there, and they just might shoot them all down upon entry.

The thought made him squirm. He didn't want to die without having confessed. His heart lurched at the thought of not getting that chance. Kaidan thought about Shepard, with his buzzed hair and scarred arms, his hot skin and his beautiful, closed lipped smile.

He imagined what their time would be like during shore leave. He would've loved to take John to Vancouver, to show him the sandy beaches and to take him to the orchard. Invite him to drink more than a few beers as they looked over English Bay.

He passed his hands over his face in the dark. He wanted so badly for those things to come true. God, he'd do anything for that.

_Hell with it._

Kaidan slunk his way out of bed, and out into the mess, taking light, quiet steps to Shepard's door. He stood just outside of it, contemplating, conflicted opinions clashing around in his mind. He shouldn't be here.

Yeah, he shouldn't. But concerning the stunt they pulled against the Alliance today, he figured he didn't need to worry about the stuff he _shouldn't_ be doing.

He stepped forward and the door hissed open, Kaidan peered into the darkness of the room only to see Shepard's face illuminated by the soft blue light of his monitor.

"Commander?"

Shepard's body was rigid from what he could tell, "Don't you think we're a little past rank?"

Kaidan nodded, watching as Shepard pushed himself off the desk and towards him, "We're a little past a lot of things. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? Are we mutinied? We stole a prototype warship and, hell if they wanted to get technical they could throw in kidnapping."

His face twisted into some kind of an amused grimace, "Guess we're one hell of an example."

"I keep telling myself that we're doing the right thing. I don't believe me yet." John admitted, casting his eyes down to look at his Alliance uniform.

Kaidan could see it instantly. The military had been everything to him. His family, his life and his salvation. To be turning against it would feel...

"Well if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, then I wouldn't be here." He reassured.

John's posture relaxed a little bit and Kaidan continued, "Things are really gonna hit the fan when we get to Ilos. I just want you to know that-"

Fear welled up, suffocating him for a moment. A thousand thoughts were telling him that this was all wrong, that he wasn't supposed to be doing this and that the regs were null and void and just- why was he so _afraid-_ "I've enjoyed serving under you."

"Kaidan," John says, and his eyes are soft as he takes a step closer to him, "You're not a subordinate to me... you're way beyond that. Act like it. Say what you wanted to say."

Kaidan was blown away by how easily Shepard could read him in that moment. He exhaled softly.

"You're right... about everything. I just think about losing you and I can't stand it." He pictures John laying in his arms, bloody and bruised and his eyes a milky white, covering the skies in his irises.

He thinks about the funeral, the ceremonies, and then he thinks about what happens after those.

"And the galaxy will just keep going, even the Reapers will come around again. But you and I... we are important _right now._ Because that's what will never happen again, Shepard. Us. You make me feel..."

A heavy sigh left his mouth, and he gazed at the man in front of him, his heart poured out, "Human..."

Kaidan watched as John dissected every word that he had said, Kaidan always had been a little bit of a poetic speaker when he was passionate about something.

John looked to the floor, then back up at him. Kaidan filled with dread from head to toe at the _pain_ in John's eyes.

But then Shepard came and pulled him into a hug. A proper one, his arms wrapped around Kaidan tight and pressing his heat into him. Kaidan returned the embrace, gliding his hands up and down a muscled back and feeling the tickle of Shepard's stubble on his neck.

Their heads drew back, lips lining up for the finishing touch. Kaidan could feel the heated breath on his lips again.

The touch never came. Instead John's eyes bore into his own, and then he spoke.

"I want to," he murmured, "More than anything, Kaidan."

His name was so reverent on his lips. It was stupid how good it made him feel.

"But I don't want to... I don't-" John closed his eyes, searching for the words. His head leaned forward, and Kaidan allowed their foreheads to touch as he patiently waited for him to continue.

"We're going to live."

The answer startled him, Kaidan drew back to look at him.

John's eyes were pure steel, set and determined, "We're going to make it through tomorrow. And the next day, and the next. I want to be selfish but there is _so much_ riding on us, Kaidan."

John's hand cupped his cheek, and Kaidan leaned into the warmth of his palm.

"But..." Shepard continued, "When this is complete... you bet we're gonna get our joint shore leave."

Kaidan laughed at that, and out of pure emotion he pressed his lips to John's palm, feeling the slight roughness of his hands.

"You're right.." Kaidan murmured, "the mission is too important and if we were to become more attached then- Well... you know."

Shepard dropped his hand, reaching for Kaidan's. He took it immediately.

"I want you to stay here tonight... just to have someone else with me," John admitted, his words. becoming soft and quiet, almost as if he was ashamed of asking.

"Of course," he agreed, tugging John along to the bed, "c'mon."

The mattress wasn't that much more comfortable than his own, but the company made up for it. They slipped under the covers easily, John's back to Kaidan's front, and Kaidan wondered where to put his limbs, if it was okay to-

"It's ok," John murmured quietly, "go ahead."

Kaidan nodded, before gently draping his arm over Shepard's waist, wrapping him in a loose hold. He sighed in contentment, enjoying the feeling of just laying next to another person. He hadn't cuddled like this in hell, years.

Kaidan inhaled, smelling modern cologne and John's specific aftershave. He sunk into the bed as much as he could, eyed half-closed as he settled in and gently tightened his grip on John's waist.

"Night, Shepard."

John's voice already seemed distant and tired, "Night, Kaidan."

Kaidan closed his eyes fully, and tried not to think of the horrors that tomorrow could bring.

Despite the underlying fear, he slept the best he had in months during that night.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is all for the lovies, this is your last dose of fluff for a while folks and I hope it feels rushed bc that's what their relationship was in ME1, boys in love, quick to love each other and rushed by time
> 
> Anyways, next chapter is all abt taking down the big guy and setting up the beginning of ME2, thanks for reading.
> 
> (Lowkey hoping I'm making a lot of you going "just kiss already!!")


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alenko.
> 
> Kaidan continued staring at the chaos, mouth slightly open in horror.
> 
> Alenko!
> 
> Suddenly, "Kaidan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH THIS TOOK SO LONG IM SO FUCKING SORRY  
> Anyways enjoy ;) I'll be posting more after this :D I always wondered what the battle would've been like if the full squad was there, bc honestly you cannot convince me that Shep didnt take their entire family there. They all talked about ilos and Saren like they were with you the entire duration of that last mission.

The ringing in his ears was loud and disturbing. Kaidan's head started to pound harshly from the volume, a migraine settling over quick and clouding his senses with a sharp pain.

Still he grit his teeth, kept his grip on his rifle and crawled out of the wrecked Mako, feeling noise slowly bleeding back into his senses. Liara was saying something behind him, Wrex was grumbling off to the side.

_What happened here?_

All he noticed was destruction and fire. The Citadel was burning. Dread filled him from head to toe. If one Reaper ship could cause this much damage... what could a whole fleet do?

_Alenko._

Kaidan continued staring at the chaos, mouth slightly open in horror.

_Alenko!_

Suddenly, " _Kaidan_."

He turned to meet John's concerned gaze. There was a bruise forming on his forehead. Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing him, feeling the stress shed off him like a layer of dirt.

"Hey," Kaidan murmured, "There you are."

"You ok?"

Kaidan nodded, then rubbed his head, watching as their squad regrouped and rested for a moment, "What happened?"

Shepard shrugged, brows furrowing, "The Conduit didn't spit us out nicely. Everyone took quite a tumble."

Kaidan felt his muscles jolt at the memory. Ilos, Vigil, the fucking Conduit. Shit, it's like he'd forgotten for a moment- Kaidan pressed his hand to his temple as a spark of pain flared across his head.

"Shit, is everyone alright?"

"They're fine, just roughed up is all. Tali had a small suit breach but she's taken care of it."

Kaidan nodded, "We should-"

"Husks!"

They all turned at the sound of Wrex's war cry, only to see the Krogan charging at them, watching as he tore up their nimble little bodies to shreds. As he came back everyone stared at him with open mouths.

"What?" Wrex asked, as if this was something everyone saw on the daily.

"I am... so glad Shepard kept you alive." Garrus sighed happily. Everyone laughed a little at that.

"Alright, we have a lot of ground to cover if we're going to get to the tower." Shepard began, gaining the group's attention quickly.

"Saren is going to plot a shit-ton of geth in our path, so we'll need a strategy. Kaidan, Liara, I want you both on biotics, trade off with shielding and offensive attacks."

They nodded, "Yes, Sir."

"Tali, Garrus, I need you both to work on ranged offensive. Garrus, you to pick them off and Tali, hack them as quick as you can."

Wrex grunted, "What about me?"

Shepard smiled, eyes holding a fair hint of malice, "You and me are gonna be going in close."

He cleared his throat, "We're gonna split off into two teams of three to cover and flank both sides. Team One will consist of me, Garrus, and Kaidan. Team Two will be with Wrex, Liara, and Tali. Everyone clear on what they're doing?"

They all nodded, Wrex was shaking his head, preparing his neck for the future headbutting, and Garrus' mandibles were twitching excitedly.

Shepard nodded, fixing his grip on his rifle, "Alright. Now let's go take down that son of a bitch!"

Each of them cheered and thrust their weapons into the air. Even with death looming over their shoulders they still had each other. 

After their war cries were finished they charged.

In the elevator, cramped with each other, the gentle music was replaced by occasional static.

"This was not the battle charge I was expecting." Tali murmured.

Smushed up against the far wall, Kaidan cleared his throat, "Can someone tell me why it's alwaystan elevator?"

There was rustling, then Shepard's voice, "C'mon, the elevators aren't that bad aren't they?"

"I thought you hated elevators?"

Silence.

Then, "Only when Wrex passes gas in them."

A giggle from Liara. Garrus chuckled quietly.

"Just for that I'm going to stink up this entire elevator, Shepard. You don't know true Krogan gas until you're choking on-"

The elevator halted to a complete stop, jostling everyone.

"Keelah," Tali breathed, "I think we might be stuck in here."

Shepard peeked up from behind Wrex's shoulder, "Not necessarily. Everyone put on your helmets and prepare your mag boots, we're heading outside."

They all followed his order immediately, preparing for the journey outside into the vacuum. Once the all clear was given, Shepard popped the hatch and clambered out.

They stared at the magnificent sight for a moment, before they all froze at the sight of Sovereign, towering in size and power as it draped itself over the Citadel Tower, it's limbs gripping it tight and not daring to let go. Kaidan thought of the first time he saw the Normandy. Filled to the brim with awe and wonder at her engineering. Looking upon Sovereign he felt the exact opposite. Wonder mixed with fear and dread. They could be too late by now, the portal into deep space could've been opened and Reapers could be pouring out all over the galaxy.

"C'mon! Everyone push forward! We'll stop Sovereign no matter the cost!" Shepard shouted, before leading them all down the built in metallic path.

The fighting was brutal.

All along their way to the tower more and more geth kept spilling onto their path, trying to stop them.

Kaidan migraine was slowly getting worse and worse, but his pain fueled his bitotic output and he didn't hold back when flinging geth off into the vacuum, or when he created shields to protect himself and his squad.

Having Liara helped. She bolstered their flanks and provided the extra cover they needed. Shepard and Wrex were putting heavy dents in the forces that got too close, and Garrus and Tali were doing their jobs dutifully.

Trouble had really started to hit when the dropship came and began to load off more troops. Rifle fire eating away at their cover and creating a no man zone.

The metal Kaidan's back had been pushed against was getting hot and he grit his teeth and dealt with it. Shepard was busy punching away on his omnitool, an intense expression on his face. Suddenly he closed his omnitool and charged out into the fire.

The crew cried out for him, holding their breaths as they prepared themselves to see him get torn apart by bullets. But he charged across to the defense turret, his speed unmatched and his shields taking the brunt of the damage.

"He gave us an opening!" Garrus shouted, "Open fire!"

At his order they all got out of cover and fired. Kaidan didn't aim, just shot in a straight line back and forth at the group of geth in front of them, not stopping until his weapon overheated.

The Citadel defense turret was puncturing the armor of the dropship, and soon it went up in flames, exploding into pieces and beginning to float around the vacuum.

They all stopped in silence to breathe and value their lives. Kaidan could feel sweat on his brow. Liara was busy breathing calmly, clinging onto Tali as she steeled her nerves for the next battle.

Shepard came over, and his shields were absolutely failing, breaking apart in some places and coming back together. Kaidan frowned and felt his chest contract. What the hell kind of stunt was that? Why did he have to go and fucking pull that?

He opened his mouth to give John a piece of his mind until, "Everyone okay?"

Kaidan held his tongue instead, breathing his anger out heavily through his comm, "Will be. Just about had a fucking heart attack though..."

Liara nodded calmly, finally standing at full height again, "It's hard to find courage facing such forces but... I am with you til the end, Shepard."

"You all did well, I'll make sure we get a break when this is over... but we still need to find Saren and stop him," he gestured with his rifle, "Move out people!"

Eventually his anger ended and the concern for the mission took over again.

They were one final push away from entering the tower and one last geth prime was in their way.

"Liara, help me lift him off!" Kaidan shouted, before launching a powerful ball of dark energy, swerving up at the last second to tug the machine at the torso.

Liara let out a battle cry, following his movements and launching the geth off the ground, who struggled in the air.

"Garrus, take a shot!" Shepard yelled, vaulting a grenade at their target.

Kaidan watched as it all came together, the bullet hitting the grenade perfectly and causing the machine above their heads to explode into pieces.

Garrus whooped, clapping hands with Shepard and shaking harshly, both of them thrashing each other around in glee.

Kaidan watched them with a smile, before nudging Liara, "Thanks for helping me back there, that was awesome."

Liara's grin was gentle and sweet, "And thank you for giving me the opportunity to help, Kaidan."

They continued into the tower together, a family.

Inside was just as bad as outside, the blossoming trees were now charred from flame, fire was starting on the upper levels, and small clusters of geth patrolled the entire area.

"Kaidan, give me a lookout."

Kaidan peeked out of cover for a breif second.

"Three o'clock!"

Shepard popped up and fired, watching as the geth's shields failed, "Garrus!"

The turian leapt out of his cover, taking a nice, precise shot which left a clean hole in the metallic flashlight head.

The Geth forces had been dealt with. Both teams caught their breath.

Shepard tapped into his comm, "Team Two, watch the rear for us. Keep an eye out for more geth, fortify your position and get ready."

_"Aye aye."_

Shepard looked to the both of them, nodding for them to continue up the staircase, "C'mon."

Once they crested the top, Kaidan did a quick once over of the room, finding nothing but smoke.

"Commander, there's nothing-"

Suddenly a far away beeping came in skittering close and Kaidan threw up a biotic shield around him and Garrus as something explosive went off next to them, sending them to the ground, winded.

Through his coughing and the ringing Kaidan could hear John's voice.

_"Saren."_

Kaidan scrambled onto his feet, ready to fight, but Garrus grabbed his arm and pulled him back into cover, "Wait."

"Shepard," He hissed, "I must say I was concerned you weren't going to make it in time."

A grunt and a clatter, "In time for what?"

The turian hummed, "The final confrontation. I think we both expected it would end like this," he voice grew cold and mocking then, "You've lost. You know that don't you? In a few minutes, Sovereign will have full control of all the Citadel's systems. The relay will open and the Reapers will return."

John's angry voice came from a few meters away, "How can you just give up like that? You were a Council Spectre! It was your job to uphold galactic security, to _protect_ people! If you're not going to do that I'll have to bring you down!"

"You think you can stop _me?_ Sovereign has... upgraded me since our last fight."

"You let Sovereign implant you? Are you fucking insane?"

"Insane? _Insanse?!_ I am the example of a future galaxy, Shepard! The Reapers are too powerful to stop, we can only gain peace by heeding to their will. If we don't prove ourselves as threats then it means we won't be exterminated!"

Shepard scoffed, "Living under subjugation isn't living, Saren. They've forced their implants into you, they're planting these ideas in your head! Can't you see they're indoctrinating you!?"

"After Virmire, Sovereign sensed the doubt and hesitation placed in me. The implants were to strengthen my resolve." His voice sounded a little unsure, then regained the confidence, "Now I believe in Sovereign. If you joined the Reapers then there could be a place for you!"

"Sovereign implanted you so it could _control_ you! What don't you see about that-"

"It's a symbiotic relationship!" Saren snapped, and again the unease was present in his voice, "This is the future! To have flesh melded with steel, for Synthetics and Organics to be one-"

"Shut up! If you stand aside you won't have to bend your knee to them anymore! Stand aside and let me prevent the invasion from happening! Some part of you must realize how wrong this is!"

Kaidan held his breath, hoping and praying that John wouldn't get blown out of cover.

"I- I.. Maybe there is still a chance for... no!"

"Break their hold, Saren! Join us and help us stop Sovereign-"

The turian let out a wretched sound, as if taking off the chains from a bruised and broken body. Kaidan poked his head out of cover to watch.

"I... I can't. It's too late for me, Sovereign's implants are too strong for me to- Hngk- Fight off-"

"Wait we can-" Shepard threw himself out of cover, reaching out to the other.

The blue in Saren's eyes vanished. No longer that synthetic shade.

"Goodbye, Shepard. Thank you." With a quick movement he put a pistol to his head.

The shot rang off and with a wet gurgle, Saren slammed through the glass and his body hit the floor below.

It was over. Saren was dead.

Kaidan and Garrus came out of cover. Shepard was still staring at the spot where he'd shot himself.

"Commander?"

Shepard walked forward to the console, uploading Vigil's data file, "Check in on Team Two."

He wanted to reach out, tell Shepard that sometimes redemption wasn't an option. That people always didn't make it. The deep steel that he had seen in his eyes warded him off.

The turian was busy updating Team Two when something came over the comms.

_"--Destiny Ascension. Main drives offline and kinetic barriers down by forty percent! The Council is on board-- I-- Council is on board!"_

Then another, this time more familiar.

_"Normandy to the Citadel! I repeat Normandy to the Citadel! That better be you down there Commander-"_

Shepard tapped on his omnitool, "I'm here Joker."

_"We got that distress call, Commander. I'm sitting here in the Andura sector with the entire Arcturus fleet. We can save the Ascension, just unlock the relays around the Citadel and we can send the calvary in!"_

"Human lives will be sacrificed, Commander. You aren't sure how high that cost is going to be," Garrus warned.

Kaidan frowned, "But we can't just let the Council die... it's not-"

_"What's the order, Commander? Send in the fleet or hold back?"_

He didn't notice at first. Looking back he should've seen it. John's hand began to shake ever so slightly as it hovered over his omnitool. His eyes seemed dead and hollow, dreading loss.

"Opening the relays now Joker. We need to save the Council... no matter the cost."

An activation noise sounded, and Kaidan reached out for him, "Commander-"

"Go check and see if he's dead." He muttered, sounding drawn away and haunted.

Kaidan blinked for a moment at the order, before straightening his spine and nodding, slipping down to the lower level with Garrus to check.

Staring at the body, he felt a mild sense of wrong. He shouldn't be declining corpses, yet he drew out his pistol anyways. Kaidan fired one more shot in Saren's head, feeling instantly safer once he did. He tapped into his comm, "He's dead."

Apparently he had spoken too soon. As if a force was listening red electrical currents began to spread across the ground. A deep rumble filled Kaidan's ears and the ground shook beneath his feet. In horror he watched as Saren's body began to writhe and bend, a terrible noise coming from him as that red lightning skittered up and down his form, eating away at whatever flesh he had left and elongating the deadly claws at his fingertips. His jaw was gone, nothing more than a skull connected to the spine and with a burst of energy is sent both Kaidan and Garrus tumbling around on the ground.

The crack of concrete filled his ears, then a distant boom and the sound of Shepard crying out. The biotic forced himself to sit up, watching as John and the creature stared each other down.

Saren then leapt up onto the ceiling with an unmatched agility, sending John scrambling for his rifle and aiming for a shot. Kaidan pushed himself up to his feet and went to assist Garrus, rushing over to his side to lift him up.

"What the hell is that?"

Garrus' question went unanswered as a red beam of energy shot past them and scorched the earth behind them.

"No time!" Kaidan yelled, pushing the other into cover, "We gotta notify Team Two!"

Shepard skid into cover next to them. There was a slight scratch on his cheekbone and his chest was heaving, "My shields are down. One blast from that thing finished them off."

"Manage to do anything?" Kaidan asked, heart thudding as another blast made their cover shake.

Shepard shook his head, "Only a few dents and I-" Claws grabbed at his arm and he tore it away and fired off a few shots, the creature making a low shrieking sound at the hits.

Kaidan threw up a biotic shield around him, focusing hard. He didn't want any more harm to befall him right now.

"I've reached Team Two! They've gotten held up by a small geth squad but they're on their way-"

"Look out!" John yelled, tackling Garrus out of the way as Saren leapt for him, his claws digging into the earth. He leapt up onto the wall, priming for a shot.

"Got him!" Kaidan said, releasing a biotic throw that made his teeth rattle, and forced the former Spectre off the wall and sprawling on the ground.

"Open fire!"

Their bullets crossed as they all aimed for their downed target, watching as they both lodged in the metal and pinged off it. It recovered quickly leaping gracefully around the small, fated arena, circling them and toying them like a shark back on earth would.

Shepard stalked it around, one hand on his pistol, the other poised at his side, perhaps ready to draw his shotgun. Suddenly a low whirring sound came from the heap of living metal, the hairs on Kaidan's nape standing up at the feel of massive energy being primed.

It was coming for all of them, Kaidan panicked, grabbing both of his squad mates by the arms and putting all he had into a protective dome around them.

Then the onslaught came.

A barrage of near mini missiles went off, striking fast and hard. The barrier cracked and began loosing surface area, Kaidan screaming in determination as he tried his best not to let it fail. The force of it was felt on his shoulders, pushing down like an immeasurable weight.

"Kaidan!"

"I- I can't-"

"This is for my mother you son of a bitch!"

Liara's war cry came out of nowhere, and with an unrivaled strength she lifted Saren and threw him to the ground with a brilliant blue field.

Wrex's roar sounded right after, his thunderous footsteps pounding on the ground as he charged right for the machine and slammed Saren into the wall.

"Shields are done! I got his shields down!" Tali cried, slipping down into the fight, "Do something!"

Shepard took off his belt of grenades and flung them at the shrieking metal.

" _Everyone get down!"_

Everyone dove off in different directions, hoping to avoid the blast. Several explosions sounded behind him, Kaidan covering his ears a little too late as the noise assaulted his ears.

When he opened his eyes again and looked back all he saw was metal disintegrating into ash. Through the window Kaidan saw Sovereigns limbs come loose from the tower.

"Are they-"

The Nordmandy passed by, firing the first crippling shot to the ship. More bombardments followed and soon the whole thing was blowing up. 

There were cheers for a brief moment. Shepard wasn't saying anything just yet, watching the window.

They all looked up just a little too late.

"Go!"

"Wait- Shepard!"

The crash shook the entire room.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go support BLM btw guys!!  
> And if you're attending protests- Please stay safe!!!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan looked to John.
> 
> John looked back.
> 
> Life was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIII I'm back lmao  
> I apologize this took forever oml, sometimes my muse for Mass Effect rises and falls and I sometimes gotta get it up again.
> 
> Anyways, if you guys want to contact/interact with me, feel free to follow me on Instagram, my user is @spctrcs 
> 
> I usually post edits, rant abt mshenko and shitpost lol  
> Anyways tysm and happy reading!

A dry cough startled him into waking up. The dust flooded into his airways and made him choke. There was nothing around him but darkness and the hard plates of battle armor. Was he sitting next to the dead bodies of his squad? Could he have been the only one to make it out?

Doubt and fear clouded him for a minute, dread suffocating him. A sudden hand was felt on his arm and like a child Kaidan squeezed at it for comfort. Someone was alive at least.

"Everyone okay?"

He pulled up his omnitool, the dim orange barley casting a glow and lighting up two or three faces in the darkness. His squad stared back at him, pulling up their own interfaces to further the spread of light.

Garrus spit blue onto the ground, "Tali slipped out a little while ago... no clue where she is now."

Liara and Wrex remained silent, as if a little taken aback and lost for words. They were trapped under the rubble with no way out and even if they could find a way out who knows what the aftermath left them to fight.

The majority of their weapons were crushed. Kaidan had a pulsing migraine and his biotics felt like they were on fumes. Liara looked exhausted, Garrus was bleeding and Wrex looked worn to hell. If they were to run into a geth squad they'd be done for.

He inhaled sharply.

The last thing he remembers is reaching out for Shepard before the debris hit. He looks around, checking again to make sure and feels his heart begin to thud rapidly at the absence of him. John is not here.

"Has anyone been able to reach the Commander?"

Heads shook simultaneously.

"Comms are down... no luck." Liara murmured softly. Hugging her knees.

The heaviness of that statement plunges all of them into the dark. They sit in a silence and wonder about their Commander, if he's struggling under the rubble, aching for breath or merely already dead, his neck snapped at a terrible angle, his eyes distant and lifeless. Kaidan takes a deep breath, just shutting his eyes to quell the deep-seated panic in his heart.

He can't do this. He just can't. He can't have spent that time _aching_ for him just to have it all crushed under a pile of rock. He thinks about the first time they met, the way Shepard looked at everything with such an unrivaled _indifference_ that it drove Kaidan up the wall. Times had changed and even now Kaidan still found the majority of his expressions unreadable. What he'd give to be able to understand all of them.

He places his face in his hands, tries to play it off like he's rubbing away dirt, and sighs mournfully. If he's dead, Kaidan doesn't know what he'll do.

Voices sound in the distance, the sound of military issues boots sliding over rubble and Tali's voice. His squad perks up in hope, but remain wary just in case. Kaidan blinks as a flashlight is shined into his eyes and the booming voice of an Alliance Marine ushers over his superiors.

In the dark he's barely able to make out Anderson's stern expression.

A quick glance and he sees that John is not with them, Kaidan hangs his head low and tries to keep a mournful sound from leaving his throat.

"It's alright, you're safe now." Anderson says, before gesturing with his hands. Marines help pull each of them out and they all stare at the destruction.

"What happened to the Commander?"

It's like a slap to the face. Kaidan closes his eyes and shakes his head, hoping that someone else will say something. He turns his gaze to where the majority of the rubble lays, a large hunk of black metal in the space where he last remembers Shepard being.

Anderson sighs, it's not a reassuring sound. Tali appears at his side, reaching out to help Garrus stand. Kaidan pushes himself onto his own feet, wincing at the pain in his body. They turn to walk away, hearts heavy and feet even heavier.

They're going to bring back his body. They're going to find it and bring it back all broken and bent-

Rocks skitter down, the group stops to turn around and look. There's a brief shadow that moves in the distance and Kaidan squints to get a better look.

Suddenly, Shepard vaults up on the top of a slope of rubble, leaning heavily on his right side and keeping his arm close to his body. But he's walking, his neck isn't snapped in a horrible angle and his blood isn't spilling out onto the floor.

Kaidan and the rest of his squad smile.

John looks at all of them, at Anderson and the marines. His eyes are bright.

He smiles too.

* * *

The following weeks, Shepard would stay in his cabin, being kept awake by the ancient distress call lurking deep within his mind and remembering the names of the ships he sacrificed to save the Council.

Shepard went back to being closed off for a short time. He dealt with the brass, taking as much as the blame as Anderson would allow him to. He argued in courtrooms and defended the crew with a type of unseen ferocity. And he won. They got off mostly scott free.

There was one thing, though.

Shepard had told him that they dodged a fraternization investigation by a hair.

They grew a little distant after that. As they should've. What happened never should have happened. But it did. And it was nice. Maybe one day...

It's the third week marking the battle. John's arm is in a brace and he sometimes still limps. A hairline fracture in his arm and bruised hip. Two tiny injuries is what he had come away with. If he had been any closer Shepard wouldn't have come away with anything.

Kaidan sits next to him. Their backs are pressed to the heavy tires of the Mako. The poor thing looks crushed and warped to hell, but her repairs are undergoing well and soon she'll be back in good shape.

"How's the arm?" Kaidan asks.

John is quiet for a brief second, "It's alright. Doctor Chakwas says I can take it off by tomorrow."

Kaidan chuckles, "Tomorrow? You either heal fast or you're full of shit."

"You caught me. It's actually the day _after_ tomorrow."

Kaidan snickers, John laughs through his nose. Then they settle in silence, merely watching the business of the cargo hold. Tali and Liara are chatting about the Pilgrimage. Wrex and Garrus are comparing and examining their latest weapon mods. Ash's station remains untouched and unused, and Kaidan squirms a little at the emptiness.

There's a tap to his fingertips. Kaidan turns his head to look and sees Shepard's fingers gently touching his own. Kaidan turns his head away and enjoys the simple action.

John's mouth opens, making a quick clicking sound with his tongue, "I'm gonna tell you this now, but you've gotta act surprised at the debriefing tomorrow."

Kaidan looks at him, "What is it?"

Shepard releases a breath through his nose, "They're sending us out to fight more geth. On the outskirts of Council space."

John's face remains the same but his words are bitter, "They're putting us on the back burner."

Kaidan sees the look on his face and frowns. It's the face he wears when he's emotional, too hard set and too still to be considered natural, like it's taking every muscle in his body to keep it polite.

Kaidan applies a little more pressure to their touching fingers, then draws his hand away as a crewmember passes them.

"They want to believe that everything will be fine." Kaidan quotes to him, "Just... give them a little bit of time to come around."

John smiles, looking at the floor, "You're not bad at comfort after all."

"Well, after I learned that it only takes a good ol' fashioned 'It'll be alright,' hell yeah I'm going to be pretty good at it."

A slight scoff and a chuckle.

"Wish you'd gone through with your _intention,_ though." Shepard admits quietly, underneath his breath so only Kaidan can hear.

Kaidan is about halfway to saying a huh before it hits him like a brick to the face.

_Oh._

"Well... we _did_ have a galaxy to save." Kaidan explains.

"But right _now_ we don't."

Kaidan laughs, it's surprisingly loud. Shepard's lips are in a barely-there smile. Kaidan regrets not kissing him that day. 

He's at a loss for words, the night before Ilos slamming into the forefront of his mind. Shepard's body tucked against his, lips pressed to his fingers.

He wants that again. He _craves_ it.

"Shepard, would you-"

_"Commander, got a message from Admiral Hackett."_

John looks to him, rolling his eyes. Duty calls, right?

"I'll take it in the comm room, Joker."

He gets up and nudges Kaidan with his foot, "I should go."

"Yeah," Kaidan murmurs, "Uh... tell Hackett I said hi." He jokes.

Shepard winks, before walking away. Kaidan sighs heavily. Another chance come and gone.

They really need some shore leave.

The following days go very much the same. The Mako is quickly repaired and ready for driving again, (to Shepard's amusement and the rest of the crews horror), so now they can finally clear out the last of the geth pockets.

He's playing cards with Mess Sergeant Cormac, simply killing time as they wait for Shepard to get back from clearing an outpost. Ever since the Citadel, it was easy to treat him like he was invincible, and damn he nearly was, but it didn't stop Kaidan from worrying.

"Full house." Kaidan murmured, laying down his cards.

"Shit," Cormac muttered. Kaidan laughed and pretended to gather up his mound of imaginary chips.

"You know, you and the Commander seem pretty close-"

Kaidan nearly freezes when shuffling the deck. _Shit shit shit shit shi-_

"I'm thinking about asking him for a poker session. I'm wondering if he's got any tells."

Kaidan tries to put as much indifference into his voice as possible, "Why should I know? I mean- his face is kinda set in stone."

Cormac chuckles, "I don't know- you fight right next to the guy, surely he's got something?"

Kaidan thinks. Yeah, John's got tells. Whenever they encountered a thresher maw on an uncharted planet his body tensed up and his jaw clenched hard. When they met Toombs on Onatorm his shoulders sagged and his eyes were pained.

"I don't really have time to be looking at his face when we're under fire." Kaidan muttered.

Cormac sighed, "Yeah, that was kind of a stupid question. Thanks anyways though."

Kaidan stops shuffling, before handing the deck over to Cormac and clearing his throat, "I've got some things to do, play again later?"

Cormac nods, "Yeah, thanks again, Lieutenant."

He gets up and leaves the mess hall, heading upstairs to the CIC and finally to the cockpit. Joker is busy with the Normandy's systems a small video playing off to the side.

"Gotta say it's not that reassuring knowing you multitask while flying a deadly warship."

He can see Joker's smile in the reflection of the orange data screens, "Keeps me on my toes. Plus I like watching Tom Cruise kick ass."

"You watch twenty-first century movies?" He asks, taking a seat next to him in the co-pilots chair.

"Uh, yeah, who doesn't? Sure quality is crap but the writing is somewhat decent." 

Kaidan laughs, "Yeah, yeah that's fair."

The comms come online, "Ready for pickup, Joker."

"Aye aye, Commander."

Kaidan plays his voice over, "Think everything went okay?"

Joker shrugs, "I don't know, he's been pretty busy lately. Getting pushed away from the Council and dealing with Hackett's assignments. Maybe bashing some geth heads in might be stress relief."

Kaidan falls silent as they descend down through the atmosphere, thinking deeply as they touch down and board the Mako again. He bids Joker a quick goodbye before making a break for the cargo hold, eager to check in.

When he gets there he sees John and Garrus cracking jokes about the terrible geth tactics, complementing each other on well placed shots. Kaidan likes seeing him get comfortable with the others, to open up to his crew.

"How'd it go?"

"Great," Shepard says, unbuckling his chest plate and setting it down on the table, "We took up sniping positions on the slope surrounding the outpost. Kind of like shooting fish in a barrel."

Kaidan smiles easily, glad that he's safe and not harbouring ill thoughts at the moment. Shepard slips off his arm guards, "I should get these put away."

He nods, pushing himself off the table, "Uh sure. By the way, Cormac is going to ambush you for poker."

Shepard chuckles, "Thanks for the heads up."

Kaidan is about to head to the elevator, before the Requisitions Officer gestures him over, "Lieutenant Alenko, Sir. The majority of the crew has put in the requests for new items... unfortunately they're only available back at the Citadel. I know it's out of the way but if you could pass it onto the Commander, I'd appreciate it."

He nods, "Yeah I'll let him know," he remembers he ordered something too. A new set of armor, heavier than he's normally used to.

That night he sends a message to him before lights out, letting him know.

_KA: Hope you don't mind, I know the higher ups are on your ass about everything these days._

_JS: it's not a big deal, besides if my crew needs new supplies then my crew needs new supplies, the next outpost isn't going anywhere_

Kaidan smiles a little in the dark. 

_JS: What type of armor are you getting though? You were telling me that you put in an order_

_KA: It's in the Phoenix line. The same kind that Ash wore._

_JS: I think she'd be a little pissed if you stole her look_

_KA: I'm sure she'd be okay with it as long as I didn't make it in a news vid wearing it._

_JS: fair point, she wasn't a fan of the news anyways_

_KA: yeah_

The conversation stops after that, ridden with the heaviness of Ash's death. Kaidan thinks about her, how she would've reacted knowing that they saved the galaxy and made sure that her sacrifice wasn't in vain.

He looks up at the top bunk, empty. None of Jenkins' rustling or Ash's deep breaths. Nothing.

He rolls over and closes his eyes, thinking about loss and how it affects the very life you live.

* * *

A month marks the defeat of Sovereign.

Kaidan messages his parents to tell them how he's doing, knowing it'll take some time before it gets through. It's late into rotation, and sleep avoids him.

So he takes a trip down to the cargo bay, settling himself against the Mako, drinking coffee and trying not to remember Sovereign, Saren, or the geth for a single night.

Usually he's great at moving forward. But the past few months have been monumental. Kind of hard to ignore the making of history. He sips his brew, staring ahead at Ashley's empty space and wondering about where she is. He never got the chance to buy her and Shepard drinks.

"Room for one more?"

Kaidan looks up at Garrus. The turian has a bottle of brandy in his hands. Kaidan scoots over to invite him to sit, feeling like words are inappropriate. He holds out his cup for Garrus to splash some liquor into it.

"I'd love to share, but your intestines will hate you."

"I get migraines on the daily. Try me."

The laugh is quiet and soon a splash of turian brandy is mixed in with his coffee. Kaidan takes a sip and makes a face.

"Yeah- okay, I see your point."

Garrus chuckles louder, "I told you."

Wrex saunters over. The ground rattles as he sits down, "We drinkin'?"

"Rather pathetically, if I admit," Kaidan murmurs, taking another sip of his now turian brandy tainted coffee.

Garrus holds out the bottle to their krogan friend, "Want some?"

Wrex shakes his head, "Your watered bird piss won't even get me buzzed, but sure."

While they talk about alchohol and budget- Kaidan's omnitool pings with a message. He smiles upon seeing the name.

_JS: You awake?_

_KA: Of course._

_JS: want to spend the night with me?_

_KA: Love to, but right now I'm kind of in a drinking triangle with Garrus and Wrex._

_JS: you didn't invite me? Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko how dare you hold out on your commanding officer_

Kaidan rolls his eyes.

_KA: Get down here then._

_KA: Sir_

_..._

_KA: ;)_

When he looks up he sees Tali exiting the engineering room, fiddling with her hands. She seems surprised to find them all.

"You guys can't sleep too?"

"I don't think any of us can."

They turn heads to look at Liara and Shepard, just stepping out of the elevator. Kaidan nods in greeting and sips some more coffee, regretting it instantly. He shoves the cup away and scoots over some more.

Liara, Tali and Shepard squeeze in, packed in tight.

Kaidan feels comfortable like this. He rests his head against the hull of the Mako, closing his eyes and drowning out everything but the conversation.

A hand reaches over his lap, Kaidan opens his eyes in time to see John sipping the coffee. The expression on his face is comical and Kaidan can't help but let out a wheezing laugh.

"You bastard! What the fuck is in this?"

Garrus snorts, "Turian brandy. Really bad turian brandy."

Liara looks a little worried, "Isn't that a little harmful to their digestive system?"

Tali has her own drink with her, cradled carefully in her hands, her voice is light and amused, "I think they don't care." 

"To be fair... if alcohol isn't bad for your digestive system then it shouldn't even be considered alcohol." Kaidan points out. John points at him as if to back his point, before sticking his nose into the coffee mug and taking another dreaded sip.

"None of you would be able to handle ryncol. That stuff will tear your insides apart." Wrex murmurs.

"I bet I can handle it," John challenges, "Got any on you right now?"

Garrus gapes at him in surprise, "Is _Commander Shepard_ challenging a _krogan_ to a drinking contest?"

Liara touches Kaidan's arm and while her face looks worried her eyes are bright and playful, "Goddess, please stop them."

"Yes. Commander Shepard _is_ challenging a krogan to a drinking contest." John replies, his eyebrows raised and eyes wild.

"Uhhhh ohhhhhh," Tali chimes, watching as Kaidan shakes Shepard by the shoulder.

" _No_. Commander Shepard is _not_ challenging a krogan to a drinking contest." Kaidan corrects, giving John a stern look.

"Awww c'mon!" Wrex cries, "Let the man drink!"

"They could fight for it." Liara says suddenly. They all stare at her in mild shock.

"I... said that out loud didn't I?"

Tali pats her on the shoulder, "There's her little dark side!"

"It was a suggestion! You don't really have to- well-"

John raises a brow, "Well?"

"Well I don't know. I've always wondered who would win in a fight between you two. The Commander has a very impressive fighting physique, while Lieutenant Alenko has considerably powerful biotic abilities." Liara explains.

"Wouldn't that mean Kaidan wins?" Garrus wonders, "I mean biotics are pretty much a winner all around, right?"

"That doesn't prove anything! Screw the biotics, a fist to fist fight will be much better!" Wrex exclaims.

Kaidan looks to John, "Are we actually-"

"Yup. You lose, I drink. You win, I don't drink. C'mon Kaidan, don't you wanna get your ass floored?" Shepard teases, pushing himself up.

Kaidan puts on a mildly affronted face, "Oh, okay... so _that's_ how it's gonna be, huh? I'll have you know I have been practicing, Shepard."

Tali giggled, "Oh man, it's like that one scene from Fleet and Flotilla..."

"Oh!" Liara exclaimed, "You mean the one where-"

"Shh hey! Spoiler alert." Garrus muttered.

They walked out a couple of paces, away from the Mako where more room was allowed for them to fight. John started slipping off his uniform, revealing a white tank-top underneath. Kaidan stared at his arms and exhaled slightly.

"Really, a wifebeater?" He asked.

He frowned, "This isn't a wifebeater... I think."

"It's _definitely_ a wifebeater."

"You aren't seeing it up close." Shepard retorted. He winked.

Oh, so that's how he was going to play. Kaidan released a low chuckle. John might be able to play dirty but he sometimes forgot that Kaidan could also do so. He removed his shirt, balling it up and tossing it on the ground nearby.

"Keelah..." Tali murmured.

 _"Oh."_ Liara squeaked.

"Hmm." Garrus and Wrex said, simultaneously. 

The look in John's eyes was practically murderous. Kaidan resisted the urge to laugh. They each rolled their shoulders, jumping a little to get the mood for the fight up.

John came at him first, throwing a right hook that blurred with the speed as Kaidan barely dodged. Another blow whizzed past him, Kaidan keeping his arms up to protect his body.

John went for another blow, but Kaidan sidestepped, throwing a left hook at the same time. His knuckles grazed a cheekbone. Shepard hummed in surprise and laughed.

"You _have_ been practicing."

Kaidan smirked, but knew not to take his eyes off him, "Told you."

He decided to advance, closing the distance. He went to feign a blow to the ribs, but John was ready. He grabbed Kaidan's wrist and bent his arm behind his back. His breath was hot, tickling the back of his neck.

"Unfortunately for you, Alenko. I know your strengths and weaknesses."

Kaidan winced slightly at the grip his arm was in, but he wasn't going to back down. He drove his spare elbow into John's side and hooked his leg behind his, driving his foot into the back of his knee.

They both went down, but this time Kaidan was ready. Ground wrestling had always been his thing, he did like getting his hands dirty after all. John rolled onto his stomach to crawl away, just like Kaidan expected him to do. He wrapped his arms around John's waist and gripping him hard, dragging him back.

"Nuh uh, you're not going anywhere-"

John seemed to falter a little and Kaidan pushed his arm out from under him, watching with amusement as he collided with the floor. He grabbed both his wrists and pinned them behind John's back, practically sitting on his ass so he couldn't get up. His thighs were squeezing his sides so John couldn't even wiggle out of the hold.

The rest of the gang were swearing loudly in excitement.

"Might wanna tap out." Kaidan chided.

John glared at him, his face smushed into the floor, "I don't have a hand free."

He laughed, "I don't trust you, Shep."

John grinned, "You enjoy this don't you? Tossin' around your CO?"

Kaidan then lowered his tone, playing _really_ dirty now. His voice was only loud enough for John to hear.

_"Maybe. But don't think you can hide how much you like being pinned, Commander."_

John's face turned a brilliant red, he was lucky he was turned away from the rest of them.

"Ok fine. You win."

Kaidan snorted and got off him, going to fetch his shirt.

"You son of a bitch." Garrus muttered, "You pinned Commander goddamn Shepard."

John was still laying on the floor, limbs splayed out. Liara frowned, "Is he alright-"

Kaidan chuckled, "Trust me Liara, he's fine. Just a little sad that his ego got bruised is all."

Shepard held up a hand and flipped him off, face still pressed into the metal floor.

Eventually he crawled back into the drinking circle. The majority of the night they all talked, enjoying the company and forgetting all about Sovereign and the Reapers. 

Kaidan looked to John.

John looked back.

Life was good.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind comments and kudos, like honestly reading your comments inspires me to keep this fic alive and going and pushes me to produce content faster, which I find an awesome fucking challenge
> 
> Anyways, I love you guys so much, thank you billions ♡♡♡

**Author's Note:**

> You've got no idea how long I've been wanting to write this. Also you have no clue how much PANIC this thing has put me in Oh my god.
> 
> Anyways, I'll try to keep this updated frequently. If I dont, flood my inbox on eatafuckingbullet on tumblr.
> 
> Kaidan: What's so special about Shepard huh  
> Shepard, arriving:  
> Kaidan, a dumb Bisexual: O H H


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